Two cards paid off and a DVD player....

I'm starting my goal early. This Christmas Eve finds me at home (snowed in, again) paying bills and reaching for my goal. I'm set to have another two cards paid off by the end of January -- then I'll hit the heavy hitters. Again, stuff I should have been doing all along just never did it--until now.

My DVD player came. Another simple sign of independence. Merry Christmas to me.

I'm using up all my gift cards so the next items on the list are my ladder bookcase and a shredder.

Goals for January.

I had on my sticky note to call my lawyer this week but realized I really didn't want to ruin what Christmas I might have.

What a difference a year makes. Last year, I remember being at "home" desperately thinking I wish I could wake up at my parents on Christmas morning -- that wish came true. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up here. Then I remember taking the tree down last year and separating all the ornaments into mine and his grandmothers. When I moved out, I took all the Christmas stuff. I left behind a small bag of his grandmothers ornaments.

I've started to toss pictures of the both of us. Last weekend, I was snowed in too. I started to go thru things and tore up pics of us. No tears...just don't need them and certainly don't want them.

Update on the Godfather.....Haven't seen him since well...I don't know when. But hey, I did have a friend give me a message from him to me...blah blah blah...I'm not too concerned about it. However, every time the dogs bark...I can't help but look to see if the truck is in the driveway...no hope...no luck yet.

Two years ago today, I picked up the drummer boy from the airport. A life changing moment -- literally. He's been more of a boyfriend than the Godfather has been.

Ooops

mother nature finally worked in my favor and has trapped me at home. That being said and my mother on my ass....I'm working on cleaning out the spare bedroom. And finally, tossing the past.

I feel sad that I'm not renewing my redneck superbowl tickets to a southeastern destination next year. I didn't go this year and I probably won't go back for quite sometime. Its like that part of my past is fading away. Its me but not me now. If that makes sense.

So in cleaning out the spare bedroom and keeping in mind that who knows what kind of space I'll have in the future.....I found a bag of clothes I brought over the first time I decided I was moving/filing for divorce. Which would be two years ago. In that bag, I found jeans. I was kinda shocked because I thought I had all my jeans until I looked at the size. It seems that in a fit of rage that night I packed up a stack of the ex's jeans...oops...you can now find them on craigslist...I'm going to see if I can make up some money of the prick.

I'm a shitty wrapper...

That was one of the things the ex used to do for me. I don't see the point of wrapping things only to tear the paper off in a whirlwind of excitement. I didn't put name tags on my stuff but you will sure shit know which ones I wrapped.

I made some purchases this week for my new place. I finally decided on a DVD player and that will be here by the start of next week. This way, I can hide in my room when there is nothing on and catch up on my movies. Last night, I bought the ottoman from Target. Its nice. I put all my sandals in it so far. So that is two things done.

The bookcase and a shredder are next on my list. Again, sticking with my theory the more I get now..the less rushed I will be later.

Last night while I was out, I had a major moment of weakness. I snuck over to the outlet mall and purchased three Coach purses. Then I vowed to the Godfather that I will not buy any after January. What I get this month is done. January is when I kick it in full gear. That means working extra shifts and getting my bills paid off. I've spent the last five months doing and buying what I want with no worries. My playtime is over.

Speaking of getting my head in the game, that also goes for this damn diet I'm supposed to be on. Starting in January, I'll be bringing lunch 2-3x a week and hitting the gym the same. I will also be budgeting my money. That being said, December is the last of my party, shopping days.

I will still allocate money to get items for my place but none of this wasteful trips to the mall. I also decided that I won't go back to the Coach outlet until I lose 20lbs and or get my Discover and BOA Amex paid off.

I should be able to accomplish this because I start school next month for my other photography class and that will keep me busy.

Its time. For real.

Catching up..

Yours truly took off last week for an east coast destination and had an ok time. Yeah, I actually flew stand by on the way home to get the hell out. It wasn't the destination, it was the company.
As the year is winding down, I look at all the stuff I've done. I've taken at least five trips since I left in July. Awesome. I wonder if he can compete with that.

I called my lawyer and told him I want to settle and settle now. No word from him. That will cause a phone call tomorrow. I've been patient enough.

It was brought to my attention last week that soon to be ex hubby is pursuing my brother's ex girlfriend. Either he got sick of his brother or he's looking for info on me. I always thought those two would have something going on after my brother and I left them together for one day. MMMMM....fine, let her deal with his shit.

No word from the godfather since he came to see me off on thursday with a good bye fuck. Well, I take that back, he called. I let it go to voice mail. He's supposed to stop by tonight so I think its time to have the talk. He told me they were foreclosing on the house. I wonder where he'll go. This should be interesting.

I'm buying a DVD player this week. In fact, I'm researching them now. One more thing done and one more thing for my freedom.

Sunday Funday..

I started my four day holiday weekend thinking I'm going to get so much done. Next thing you know its 4 on Sunday, you're facing Monday and you realize the only thing you have done was manage to piss away your holiday weekend. I maybe only got a third of what I set out to do done. The only thing I did manage to accomplish was sleeping it off at Grandma's on Thursday during our meal and nearly polishing off a bottle of captain the next night. I didn't take my contacts out from Thursday morning til last night. UGH. Brutal.

So I made a list and started checking it twice and got a move on.

It hit me that after moving back with the parents over four months ago I am still packing up stuff and putting it downstairs. After all that, I still don't have much room in my room to move around in. AND with Christmas fast approaching, mom is on my case to get the spare bedroom cleaned out or up. UGH, I do have too much stuff.

After getting my four month reality check, I realized I still really haven't made a dent in my credit card situation. Time to buckle down and really focus. Even though its snowing like hell out, spring is fast approaching and hopefully a place of my own.

AND I'm not down a size like I wanted to be before I leave for the east coast. #@$(*&#

Tomorrow December 1. I'm ready to roll.

One Step Closer

to ending this disaster. Today, I finally got the rest of my things. Of course, they were outside just waiting there. Again, didn't follow the advice of his lawyer. Shocker. I got everything on the list, well half ass. I got the pots ( the expensive pots, I was shocked) but not half the lids, I got the VCR but not the remote or cord going to the TV and I got the entertainment center but not the shelves. In true ex hubby fashion must be done half ass.

A few observations at the house. New mail box and he had everything locked up and closed tight. I'd have to go peek in the side window if I wanted to see what was going on. Its obvious they are keeping me out of the house for a reason, they have new things. I'm not shocked. They probably put it all on the brothers credit card because Christmas is coming and mommy and daddy can pay it off for them so they can get around the divorce thing that way.

He was home, you could see the curtains move and my friend said he heard him in the bedroom above the garage. So we sat laughed and talked for a bit. Discarded some cigarette buts, chew and then left. I was glad I didn't have to face him. I hate him.

The disappointing factor was no bf to join us. He came last week when we were shot down by the police. Fuckheads knew I was coming but all of a sudden were gone. I bet they realized I wasn't fucking around when I had the cops show up at the door and they didn't answer because after I demanded a court order to get in the house my phone was ringing and I got to get my stuff today.

KARMA, I'm praying for KARMA.

Define Irony...

I'm still blown away by MB's comment or paragraph to me asking me to understand. I do. It still hurts. Although, in hindsight, I don't think I would want to finally get the guy I want and lose him to a war for nine months and not really knowing what is going on. Maybe its for the best, but one thing is for sure, I have the worst timing.

I kept the email and read it thinking yeah it could have happened. It still might, the man has a plan, I just wish I knew what it was.

I could never get past the first paragraph of the email until today when I looked at his baby's name. The middle name of the child is the name of the guy I'm currently dating. Better yet, MB baby's initials--spell out my current flames nickname. MMMM.

Timing is everything.....

I had originally filed for divorce almost two years ago but then never sent the paperwork thru, thinking things were going to change. In reality, I knew they wouldn't. I just wasn't ready yet for that move. The following months were filled with me telling everyone I was going to do it. In fact, I was, I was moving stuff out and preparing. I was just never ready for the big move.

That being said, fast forward to last week. I was at the local watering hole were everyone knows my name and a friend of mine came up to me and said, hey I got an email from ....lets call him military boy or MB for short.

With all that was going on, I forgot about my crush on MB, my former favorite bartender. For months, well possibly years I flirted with this guy. We met up on occasion, went out for lunch, gave me rides back to my car and by far gave the best hugs. He was in the middle of his divorce, I hadn't started mine. I made nice with his soon to be ex, just in case.

With all the flirting, things never happened with MB.

So back to my friend telling me that he heard from MB and MB wanted to tell everyone who mattered that he says hi.

Two days later, I was emailing MB. Giving him congrats on his new baby and to tell him I was sorry for my poor flirting skills.

The return email said something to the effect he was trying to get his personal life straightened out and didn't want to end up in my business. I took that as saying -- yeah he would have dated me. FUCK.

I ended up telling my mother tonight that we've exchanged some emails. Her reply to this was...he would have been the ultimate son in law. I'm thinking. I know. I'm crushed.

Maybe his new wife won't be able to handle him fighting for our freedom and divorce him and then he can realize that the third time is a charm, with me.

Proceed with caution....

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel these days. Am I supposed to be quiet and sit back, wait for the hammer to fall until the divorce is over so should I be out and living? I chose the later.
Which is why I'm hanging with the ex...who tells me he loves me, wants to move in with me and told me he was sorry for the first time we dated. Yep.

I'm feeling things that either I haven't felt in a long time or never felt before. I'm doing things that I've done all along. Waited by the phone and listened to every car that rolled by. I still take things for granted and don't trust anyone. I still think guys bullshit me.

The funny thing about the ex and I hooking back up is that sometimes it feels like as if it were yesterday. The comfort level is already there. And I don't know about him but he continues to amaze me.

Saturday night was cold. I was supposed to go to a post Halloween party however, declined knowing I'd be the oldest one there and far outta place. I was engaging in an episode of Storm Chasers when my phone rang. I know now, that he'll never call me from his cell until his divorce is over so I answered the phone. I heard him say...she's gonna freak.

He wanted me to come over and meet his friends. I made him come get me. I grabbed a bottle of wine, tried to look my best and anxiously awaited for him to come. When he did, I was out the door saying he's here, i'll see you later....it was a flashback to high school.

So I went and got interviewed by his friends. It and he was so cute. He was totally showing me off, kissing me here and there, telling me he loved me...on and on ....His friends wife was excited there was a friendly female in the house to talk to and I was thrilled to meet his friends other than our circle.

Then came interview time. First his friend and I talked, then I got interviewed by his wife. I learned alot. I loved them, I hope they liked me.

The ex and I ended up crashing on their basement futon and had conversations that I was sure he wasn't going to remember. It was then in the dark with a buzz on, I confessed I wanted kids.
He seemed shocked and asked why I didn't tell him sooner. What I do remember is him telling me we'd try. It was then in the dark with a buzz on that he told me he was sorry for us not working out the first time.

The next morning, a slight headache included, his friend made us breakfast. Then the ex drove me home around 10ish.

After hardly any sleep I found myself in the car with my friend on our way to do some shopping and learning even more about my ex and his soon to be ex.

"he's a stand up guy" she says. I knew that. I love watching him with his kids. I love the fact that he took his jacket off for me that one day. I love the fact that he tells me he's talking about me to everyone and that he calls and says I love you.

I hate the fact that I wait around the phone for him to call, that he is sporadic in calling, at this point is inaccessible and that we never get a chance to talk.

What I really hate is that for the first time.....in a long time....I don't want to go on a trip now because I don't want to miss a chance to see him. Has someone finally grounded me or is it the early stages of young love.....???

When he called last night ( after I heard him drive by) he wanted to apologize for not calling earlier, I said I figured it was because he was busy. He said he didn't want me to be mad over the "wanting to have a baby comment" ....now I'm thinking WTF? Was I that lit? Did I miss something? Was it all in my head?

I told him that I didn't want to leave this weekend because I didn't want to miss a chance to see him. He told me that pretty soon, I'd be seeing so much of him I'd be sick of him.

Damn, I thought to myself. He's one of those who knows what to say at all the right times.

In the old 'hood....

I figured that after last weeks semi encounter, I could handle anything to a point. So I went to vote in the old neighborhood this morning. My old polling place is one street over from my old house. So I finally got the courage to take a spin by.

I thought I would feel some emotional effects and truth be told. I do miss the place but I didn't break down and cry. Nothing has changed. He cut down my lillies and took a sign out of the window but that was it. It just looks lonely. The house on the corner is for sale. That would be a real bitch if I bought that and moved in.

The other weird thing is, he still has my old cell phone on. I've been calling it periodically to see if I have any voicemails and today I did. From the electric company's collection agency.

When his F'ing brother moved in, the agreement was he was to pay all the utilities. That worked until oh, about two months before I moved out. Nothing got paid. This one happened to be in my name. I called the utilites and told him I had moved out and to take my name off but because there was a balance that fuck-head number one didn't pay, they wouldn't do so.

Following the advice of my lawyer, I didn't pay it and forwarded it to them. They never paid it. So today, I finally paid it. I was sick of the collection calls. I'll get my money back, don't worry. It just pisses me off. Because again, he's not cooperating with his lawyer, not answering anything she sends him. It doesn't seem to bother anyone but me. My life is on hold because this fucker won't get off his fat lazy ass and do something about it.

I also demanded from my lawyer that I get back in that house now. So the date is set and I have my boys ready to roll. I've been nice long enough, I'm putting my bitchy britches on now.

Why should I be afraid of him? Why should he run me out of town? I'm not letting him push me anymore.

And I set a goal last night, I am going to be down a size before I leave for Boston next month for several reasons.......

I drove home in silence

My worst fears came true tonight. I wrote the previous post then saved it to continue later while so a friend and I could go out to eat.

Earlier in the day while we were deciding what to for lunch, I mentioned Chili's. We agreed to go there later after work because last week she saw a "hot" waiter guy there and wanted to try for two weeks in a row. I said I wondered if my soon to be ex kept up our Wednesday night tradition of going there.

We met there at 5:30. I asked her, you remember what my ex looks like and she said yeah. 90 min later we were wrapping up our meal when she said, He's here. I looked behind me and bam there he was. All the emotions that I feared I would feel, I did. I was paralyzed. Semi freaking out. The moment I most dreaded was here. We were mere feet from each other, except he was in the bar area and we were at the table by the hostess stand.

He had to know I was there. First off, I parked my car right out front and secondly, you had no choice but to see me when you walked in. Then came me asking my friend every 5 seconds, did they look over here..she was keeping an eye on them. Then the guy he was with got up to go to the bathroom--he went one way and came back the other completing the circle of the dining area in an obvious attempt to spot me. When I realized it was his best friend, his best man, I put my head down.

It was time to go. I told my friend, if I get up and they look at me -- I'll just wave. However, when it came time to get up and leave. I never looked in their direction. Somehow, it was just too painful to look.

We got to my car and looked for obvious damage just in case. Then I looked for either of their cars. I didn't see either one of them. Which leads me to believe, either his friend got a new car or my ex did. And he obviously has enough money to go out to eat.

I felt sick. I just wish the fuckers would have shown up earlier so I would haven't pigged out on my entree. I wanted to send him an angry text, go to my house, get my stuff, yell and scream at him. The thought, the sight all of it makes me sick.

So sick, I couldn't even move in the car. I just drove, no radio, iPod...just me and the road.

Stand still.

I feel like everything is moving forward but this divorce. I want/need to get back into my house to claim the rest of my things. However, I can't. I could, if I wanted to involve the police but I don't want to look bad. My soon to be ex is dragging his heels on everything. I feel once I get back in my house and get my things. I will some how be at rest. I hope. Besides, I'm dying to see what they've done with the place.

I saw my soon to be ex brother in law a few mornings ago. I continued with tradition and flipped the fucker off but this time I looked at him. He never looked at me. Apparently, the fucker knows whats coming when he sees me.

I had another run in with my old boyfriends kids. I'll admit. He is really good with his kids to the point where mmmm, I'd like to have one with him...

The end of my single life.....

eh, kinda.

the parents are flying home tomorrow and I can say that I'll be glad to have them back but I really enjoyed having the house to myself the last 10+ days. It gave me a great outlook of what its really like being on my own. Including, polishing off a box of honey nut Cheerios during Entourage.

The week has been filled with single life stories, I'll pick up when the boy came over late Sunday night.

We had a conversation, kinda a deep one. Religion, sex and telling me that it was fate I was there that day, I consider that deep -- especially for a guy. The conversation ended with us in bed. For someone telling me he wanted to take it slow, I missed the part where we were speeding up. While the deed was going on, I couldn't help but feel like I was transported back to 1994 gettin' it on while the parents were gone. Headboard banging and all. It was quick, he apologized and I was thinking -- it has to get better because if it isn't. I'm going out and getting all new toys.

Come Monday, no post fuck follow up call. It came on Tuesday with a five minute conversation telling me how his day went with his mom, she is sick so I gave him that.

Wednesday was another phone call. I was over at a friends house about to engage in a threesome ( yes, I know -- I'm feeling my oates) when I told him to come lay with me because he wasn't getting any sleep. He chuckled, I hung up and basically watched my friends fuck.

On Thursday, I had potential customers coming in and wanted to nail a deal so I could do some consulting after the first of the year. I told the boy that this was a big deal and he wished me luck and knew I could nail it. Well, I think I did. It was later that night we had our first official long phone call. And when I say long, I mean 15+ minutes. He was telling me that he is getting a new car and was elaborating on the personalized plates he was getting for it. I'm like you can't put that on a car. He goes, we'll come up with something better. Then told me how hot I was going to look riding in that car.

The boy is being very optimistic about the future.

That phone call ended with him saying those dreaded three words. Yep, he confessed it first. I love you. I stuttered, stammered and felt myself getting hot. I asked him, what did you say. He goes, should I have waited. I'm like -- I dunno. Then without feeling, I said..God damn I love you too. We hung up and I poured myself a stiff drink.

Those words to me are cheap. I can honestly tell you I've said them but never felt it. Well maybe with LA man. I dunno. Am I ready to take on this challenge? I don't know.

Tomorrow is our godchild's birthday party. We will both be there. Should be another interesting day!

All eyes on me...

After Sunday, my week was filled with what if's, comments, questions and concerns. Apparently he IS interested in me - which I read from a friend in a facebook message- and doesn't want to be the rebound. Who does want to be the rebound?!

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon. My friend and I are out for a girls/sweetest day afternoon at a wine tasting. We stop and get something to eat. I happen to check my phone and bam. One missed call. However, this call was from my former exchange area. I paniced because I didn't know who had my number or who was calling. A few seconds later, I had a voice mail. As my friend and I pondered who was calling me, my voice mail kicked in with that familiar first message...and a hey baby.

I freaked.

It was then my friend knew he called. We were both freaking.
His voice mail was short, sweet and reassuring. Telling me he would call back later. And he did. When I answered, I was giddy. He wanted to make sure I was attending another friends birthday party the next day. And then he said, he'd call me on his lunch break. He did.

To top my sweetest day off, he stopped over for a quick kiss after work.

So the next day was the birthday party for a friend -- the friend who kinda sorta got us together in the beginning. I didn't want to get there right at 2, so I took my time around the house and arrived fashionably late looking very fashionable.

He wasn't there.

Everyone else was. And when I walked in, they stared at me. I was getting questioned and it was brought up that he stopped by and I said how did you know. Apparently, HE was just there and had to leave for a few to get his kids. I avoided questions and focused on football and my wine.

Then he showed up. Great, I have to act sociable and I get to meet my future step kids.
Cute kids, obnoxious and they look like him. Good thing its not a terrible reminder of their mother. We were making comments and eyes at each other. I stayed in the living room with the ladies. The kids were off playing wildly in the corner. When my friend asked me -- are you sure you want this? I looked at my wine glass, smiled and downed the last little bit.

When I went to fill up the glass, I noticed that him and the birthday boy were outside by the tree talking just the two of them and I knew I was in trouble. When we sat down to eat, I realized that we had now become the entertainment.

He did sneak me a kiss in the kitchen and gave me his jacket when I was cold. Which I thought was cute. As the party winded down, he took the kids home and I stayed behind. But before he left, he whispered in my ear...see you later.

I claimed a portion of the couch and waited for the comments. I got he's so happy, its awesome blah blah blah.....

It was then I knew I had to go home and get stuff done. I left shortly before 7.

forces of nature and alcohol...

i went to my friends house this weekend to have her look over this bullshit settlement offer i got. what i didn't know is that my ex boyfriend and my god partner over our god child was there. my friend and i already knocked off a bottle of wine and were on the to the boxed wine when i asked her who was here and she confirmed...it was him. i got up and was going to go out to the garage but they were on their way in. he made a comment about being good looking and based on what i know about his previous ladies....i was the best he ever had.

then all of us sat on the deck and the flirting began. you know, the foot taping, caress, the stare etc....

we stayed for dinner, i made him take me home to let my dogs out. after fourteen plus years, he still remembered where my parents lived. i told him i couldn't believe that after all this time he still remembered. his comeback was just because we weren't together didn't mean he didn't think about me or drive by parents once in awhile.

mmmm...

during dinner the flirting continued, we kissed a few times and held hands.

needless to say..i felt that our friends were pushing us together again. because at one point in the evening, he kissed me again and my friend goes oh you can do a better job...then he laid one on me. the four of us sat by the fire and god damn if we didn't act like a couple. he had his arm around me, we held hands it was sooo surreal.

was i buzzed, yes. was he, maybe -- i couldn't tell. if he was, it didn't seem like it.

then our friends went to bed and told us we were welcome to stay in the driveway or use the camper if needed. jokes were made. i honestly, didn't want to leave without him.

we stayed in the driveway for another two hours talked and kissed. he laid it all on the line. telling me i needed to stop talking about my ex, that him and i were god parents over this child for a reason and that if we were gonna make another run at this...we needed to take it slow. every time i tried to interrupt him, he would shut me up and say me first.

i asked him if he saw the way i looked at him at the baptism then i told him we fit. i caved.

truth be told, this was the one that got away and i never thought about it until now. its not a rebound, because in my own opinion, i've been single the last two/three years of my marriage.

we parted at 12:30 am and he told me that he'd see me next weekend. i was ecstatic. i cursed the friend that fixed us up who is no longer with us. maybe this was the sign i keep asking her to send me.

i wanted to text him and thank him for a great evening. i finally did tuesday afternoon. i sent him a text asking him if i was going to see him again. i patiently waited. tuesday night he called, i didn't answer because i didn't know the number and yes, he lives with his ex. i know, i know, what the hell am i doing.

moving on, he leaves me a voice mail that i have played repeatedly telling me of course he'd see me again and that we need to have a talk without alcohol involved. crap. i sent him a text asking if a long talk was good or bad. he never responded. so do i shrug this off and chalk it up to a false good time?

i emailed our friend who's house we were at and asked her if i was outta line. she responds with something with the word rebound in it. rebound? wtf?

its almost the weekend, i'm dying to know if i'll see him. i did happen to find out today that their friend is having a birthday party and i'm anxiously awaiting to see if i get an invite. we'll see. its hard for me to take it slow and i really want to know what he wants to talk to me about. if he still wants to talk, considering he never returned my text and hasn't called since tuesday night.

My mom likes my stuff...

While moving back in with the parents was no easy feat, watching my mom devour my things is even more painstaking.

Before I moved out, we no wait I had to purchase a new vacuum. It wasn't even a month old before I left. I brought it with me here and mom has taken it over. Its a bag-less one, she's amazed by how much it picks up. She'll use it but won't empty it. Then the one day I went to use it, and it made this god awful noise. Getting into the habit of doing and fixing things on my own, I started to take it apart. In doing this, I found out she had sucked up a pencil. Did she not notice the noise? I kindly reminded her that she needed to be more careful.

Then yesterday while I was repacking my boxes, I was going to save some candles...She takes them out and starts burning them.

There are other things that drive me nuts about my parents and I'm sure there are things about me that drive them nuts. But it does lead me to believe ....could I live with someone else again?

It came in the mail...

the first proposed settlement from his lawyer to mine. While it lists mostly what I want, my lawyer and I agree that no one in their right mind would give me what I want that easy. He's hiding something. Why would you send off a settlement without handing over the discovery paperwork first? I told my lawyer that was ok and we'd wait. He was in agreement. Nice to know, someone has my back.

I also found out he's not cooperating with his lawyer. Which, could make things difficult. I can't get back in the house either. If I can't get a date to get back in, I WILL show up with the cops. Just keep pushing me. Oh, and I will show up with the most fearful people he knows. I'm done and now I mean business.

Oh yeah, the thing I find most interesting is the fact that I heard through the grapevine that he is paying $275-$325 per hour for this broad. The settlement is riddled with spelling errors and incomplete sentences. HA. Another proven fact that just because the price is higher, doesn't mean the quality is that good.

I had the day off yesterday. That was spent on the phone with the gas company making sure that the service is now out of my name and that I'm getting a refund. Seeing that the brother in law was so nice in paying ahead when the account was in my name, I got the money. That makes up for half the house payment I made when I wasn't allowed back in my place. That refund should come next week, then I can pay off my credit card. Thanks Guys. I knew I'd get some of it back!

I also re-packed some stuff. When we moved me, we literally just tossed stuff in bags and moved. I didn't know where half my things were, actually still don't. Now, I've got good boxes and I'm packing stuff up and labeling it. I was doing that yesterday morning.

My new item for my new life this week was a box of six earth-toned mixing bowls from Sam's Club last night. I'll buy one new item a week and I'll be good to go.

I also got my hair done last night. My stylist and I chatted about the pitfalls of dating. I can't say that I've been out dating but I've been testing the waters to see what is out there. I can tell you, its not looking promising. I finally agreed to go to dinner with this guy I had been exchanging emails with. He tells me that he can't go out to eat because he gets nervous and wants to order in at his place. I'm like..no. I've ignored him since.

Based on that, I've been hanging with my friends and going from there. Thursday night, my friend and I hit a party in the city then went to a restaurant I've been dying to try. I look at all the stuff I've done in the last two and half months since I've been gone and I'm out and about. Sometimes I wonder what they are doing but then again I'm sure it consists of nothing but staying home and watching George Lopez or Orange County Choppers. Again, that is what HE wanted.

Shock and awe

Its been two full months since I made my guest appearance back at the parents house. I've settled into a routine. I try to be out of the house by 7AM to get to work at a decent time. And today, without even thinking--I did my laundry. See back when I was married I did laundry on Wednesdays and Saturdays like clockwork. Now that the only clothes in the basket are mine, its on an as needed basis. Which is weird. But its not weird, its an adjustment. Either way its Wednesday and I feel good about doing things the "old" way.

I'm on fresh bottles of shampoo, conditioner, face cream etc. just a sign of the times I've been here. I even brought my old table lamp up into my bedroom. Just trying to make it feel like home and its somewhat comforting.

I checked my voice mail this afternoon and go figure the one time I turn my phone off to charge it, my lawyer calls.
Seems as if we might have our first settlement offer.
This scares me.
Why?
Because either they are trying to pull a fast one, hubby realizes there is nothing to fight over, his lawyer is too expensive ( word on the street says she's pricey), he's got someone else or all of the above.
The thing I hate the most is waiting all night to see what is on that paper and to see what I was worth to him.
On the other hand, its a very exciting feeling knowing I'm closer to the end and to being free.
What is worse is that I haven't lost any weight --WTF? I thought you were supposed to drop some dress sizes when you get divorced? I have to get working on that -- NOW.

Over the weekend, I looked at my wedding pictures. I hesitated looking at them not knowing what emotion would come over me. Lately its been a feeling of wasted time and money. Either way, I looked at them. I found that the first pictures I turned to were ones of friends and I. Friends that are lost to heaven or lost over stupid arguements.

What I found was that I miss my friends and the good times the most. Pictures of my bridesmaids and I spinning on the dance floor. It wasn't a wedding, it was a party.
I look at my expressions on my face. The camera never lies. I have looks of uncertainty and fake smiles.

At least I have family pictures. Fake family pictures because I'm in a wedding dress. But I have family pics.

When I got to work this morning, I had one of those joke emails from one of my bridesmaids that I had a falling out with. I emailed her back -- we've been making small conversation but at least I made an attempt.

Glasses....check

Yep, thats right. The month of October has brought me new drinking glasses for the new place. Whenever that will be. One more thing bought and put away.

I should be in bed. Last night, I was at a large sporting event that was televised on national tv. I wanted so badly for that jerk to be watching and have the camera pan over and see me. But I knew, that if that ever happened...he wouldn't be watching or would be watching and not even notice it was me. Well this large sporting event caused us and when I say us I mean a friend of mine, my brother and I. Anyway, we rolled in at 5:30 this morning. Hungover and thanking god we made it out of the city alive. I made it to work by 9:30 and worked til 7. I'm a trooper. Actually, I had that work ethic beat into me at an early stage. If I'm old enough to play, I'm old enough to pay. Debt paid.

The last thing I heard my mother say was...I smell liquor. My brother continued his mission on teaching me what its like to be single. He did alright. I have a new favorite drink. Gin and tonic.

What is funny is...ever since I moved out...I've been drinking more beer. Does it come with the terriority? Usually, I'm a miller lite girl but this time it was bud light. Ah well.

Gotta say, I'm liking the single scene. I think I'm making a nice adjustment but sometimes I just miss my old ways.

There are times...

when the song fits the situation. Take for instance, I'm flying home tonight listening to XM on the airplane and staring out the window. Supertramp's Take the long way home comes on. I smile. It fits. Just the first few opening notes -- the soundtrack of my life.

Yours truly escaped the midwest this weekend to a west coast destination on the water. It was my first real trip without the spouse. Now it was me doing all the driving in an unknown land. My mom was in my former positon. I had to teach her the rules to road tripping. Camera in hand, be prepared for funny photos and learning to take self portraits. None the less, I had a weekend of no worries, Sirrius blues and the water.

We spent the day at the beach, cameras in hand I walked the beach letting the water wash over my feet. I picked up shells and rocks to take home, they are a symbol of my freedom. My mom looked over and saw that the bottoms of my jeans were soaked. I just told her I didn't care. It was a baptism of my new found freedom and free spirit.

I found myself appreciating every minute. My mom slept in the passengers seat, I had the blues cranked up. Perfect weather, blues, and the open road is just what the doctor ordered.

I also decided that I was going to get crafty again. I bought a pattern and fabric and will make my new purse. Again, getting back to the basics. Eleanor Roosevelt said, You must do the things you think you cannot do". I did and I will. I will learn to sew again and I did, for the first time kayak. I was afraid. My mom, however, was excited to get me in the water. Once I was in and balanced. It was awesome. I can't wait to do it again.

My ex would have never kayaked. I'm sure he would have bitched about the traffic, tried to mow people down and complained about walking. Finally, I did something where I didn't have to worry about what the other person would think.

It was just another example of getting over my fears. I just have to get over that hump by taking that first step.

I did catch a nasty head cold. You know the one where you just want to cry because you don't feel good. When that happens, I keep thinking how I just wanted to be back in my own bed. I really don't have my own bed anymore. I wasn't thinking of the one at my parents, I was thinking of the one I left behind. Then those thoughts of what I left behind come creeping in.

Add that to the fact that my trip home from the airport is a little extended these days and have to pass by my old way home. I got sad, let a few tears fall and took the long way home.

In number hell...

The filling out of the discovery paperwork continues. The shocker tonight was the credit card debt I've seem to accumulated due to the retail retaliation part of my marriage.

I'm staring at these numbers in awe. In a way, I'm glad this is done because now I know where I stand on money and what I need to do. I'm thinking I could knock some of these balances out within the next month or two and that would leave me with the heavy hitters. This will mean that I will have to buckle down and get serious about paying off my debt. And having no mortgage payment of miscellaneous expenses helps too. 2009 will be a new start. 2008 is my recovery period.

Then again, some of these balances are already down due to payments I made over the course of a few days but it isn't down by much. None the less, its a lesson learned. I need Suze Orman stat!

It seems like everyday something sentimental from the past creeps in. Today, I was behind one of my old neighbors and the other was pulling out the appraisal paperwork and seeing pictures of my house. Seeing the pics of the house made me upset. I looked at them with regret -- I felt bad I left my house in their hands.

I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that I was the one who had to leave and those two get to stay. I'm still seriously banking on the karma train to stop by their lives one day. The comforting fact is that house is full of memories and even though he tries to paint over them, the fact that I was there for 11+ years still will haunt him. I hope. Then again, they don't think like that. I'm hoping he brings a new girlfriend to court. I can kill them with kindness, shake her and and say -- take care of my house. I'll do it with a smile.

I watched the Break Up again tonight. Whenever I'm bored at work, I pop that movie in. That was the classic story of my life. Guys just don't seem to get it. If they do get it I'm pretty sure they are gay. OR they know what to say to a woman. I just kept thinking that I was thinking of a divorce when that movie came out and that was a few years ago.

I still just want to go up to him and say what the fuck dude. Do you not get it? But even if he did want a reconciliation -- forget it. It will never be the same. Any little fight that would erupt, he'd blame me and quite frankly, I don't think I can trust anyone right now.

When that bond of trust is broken, its gone. And its damn hard to replace.

In transition...

The big birthday bash at work was this past week, mine included. So I hit the local Wal-hell to pick up some last minute things. While I was there, I decided to spend some money. The thoughts of not wanting to buy presents for two people you couldn't stand were in my head but the thought of draining my bank account was too.

Two weeks ago, I got the discovery paperwork from my lawyer. It angered me. Its 12 pages wanting in detail my financial dealings over the last three years. I avoided filling it out (until now) because I know in the end, its all about the money. And I'm for certain that he's hiding some. There is no doubt in my mind about that.

A few days before that, I started buying little things for where ever I may live. I knew that if I bought things that I could pack away, I'd be ahead of the game when it came time to move.

I'm in this mindset that I really don't want anything they've touched or used. I want some of my kitchen stuff but not all of it. Having said that, I found myself in the kitchen aisle. I started rebuilding my kitchen stash. In someways, its healing. Its exciting. I don't know where I'm going to be living but at least I know I won't have to rush out and buy all this stuff at once. Its purchased and packed away in a box waiting for its new home.

Then last night, with time to kill and a 10% coupon in my hand for Target, I got my silverware and plates. I wanted to make sure I had a decent shopping trip there. I just got the 4 servings, I figured that is all I need right now. Tho, I might go back and double it up. The plates and bowls were all on clearance.

I got a $30 gift card from a co-worker and I'm using that for my ladder bookcase that I'll order next week.

As crazy as it sounds, I'm building my life one purchase at a time. The way I want it.

The discovery paperwork will be finished by Tuesday putting me one step closer to closure.

Off limits

Last night when I was able to crash and burn, I turned on Sex In The City. I know, shocker. It was, however, one of my favorite episodes. It was the episode with the new Yankee. The episode that starts out talking about a breakup. Carrie's narrating about all the off limit places, streets, restaurants etc. and the times that you shouldn't be going after the breakup for fear of running into your ex.

I couldn't help but feel that is true. I know that if I leave my house 10 minutes late, I run the risk of passing my brother in law on the road. The two or three times I have, I've flipped him off. I don't care if he saw me do it, it was just a great sense of relief and a feel good moment.

I haven't been back to my house since I moved out. I don't want to go back but I know I have to get the remainder of my things. But my friends live down the street. I don't have to go by the house but I get panic attacks when I make that turn. I don't want to see him. I don't want to face them. Just knowing I'm in the vicinity is enough.

I've also found myself wanting to keep moving while I'm in town during rush hour. If I get caught at a light, I'm constantly looking to make sure he's not near me. When I've been at the gym, the treadmills and elipicals face the major highway in town. Of course, its the one he uses to and from work. I've made it a point of not looking at the cars to see him.

Case in point, last night. I was getting my oil changed at a place on that major highway nearing the danger zone time limit. I kept busy with my phone and made it a point NOT to look at the road.

I've been lucky not to pass him and to only see him once since I filed. When I did see him, I was sick to my stomach. Its not that I'm afraid of him. I just don't want him in my life and as the old saying goes out of sight, out of mind and that is just the way I like it.

I wouldn't mind if he sees me running around town at an off peak time for me. Then I'm like, screw it, let him wonder what I'm doing.

Like tonight for instance, I'm going to dinner and a movie with the boss. I'm going to park my car out front so he can see it. Available parking permitting. Then let him wonder what I'm doing or who I'm with. He would never suspect it would be the boss and I. He would probably make up another lie to make himself feel better.

I just wish I had the new Yankee on my arm.

Shopping....

So when I was married and a homeowner, I decorated the house. It was bittersweet because I just got the kitchen painted the way I wanted it and decided that I wanted out. I had painted it with two walls a deep red and the other two a dark yellow. Sort of Tuscan, reminded me of an Italian -- well something Italian. I had my mom make the curtains from some clearance curtains we found at Potterybarn.

I paid for that. There were lots of nights after the roomies went to bed that I would sit in my kitchen/dining room and stare at it. I was pissed off that I made my mom go through the task of making the curtains, only to leave them with two "people" who didn't appreciate anything. I felt guilty about that. My friend called me out asking me if I knew I wanted out, why did I bother to do anything to it.

I was bored. I needed a project. I said.

I miss my kitchen the most. I miss having my own bathroom next.

The only thing he fought me on was oak vs. dark wood. He said it didn't work in the house. You can make anything work in a house, you just need the style to accompany it. I wanted a ladder book case, dark wood of course and was denied every time. If I wanted one in oak, I could have it. Oak just didn't look right. I mean come on, seriously.

Fast forward to me moving out.

I decided that I'm going to do what I did last time and start buying small things for my new place. I have no idea where my new place will be or what it will look like but damn it, I'll be ready for it.

My shopping trip started out by investing in the cleaning utensil that I miss the most, my swiffer.
In the cart went the new swiffer starter kit. Next, came the wet swiffer cleany things. It was a box of three for the price of one. I figured ok, I'll get them, they are sealed, it'll last.

My next attempt at a purchase was at Target. Target had a furniture sale and guess what is on sale. Yep, my ladder bookcase in dark wood. I rushed to find one but ended up only with a rain check. I didn't get it yet and I'm checking Targets periodically. It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine.

I did however, get a bookcase. I got another dark wood one off the website that I figured would go just dandy where ever I put it. It came today. When I saw it leaning up against the house, I couldn't help but feel it was just one more sign of my freedom.

Catching Up

Wow what a difference a year makes. Well almost a year.
I have filed for divorce, moved out and still seeing that guy.

I waited as long as I could to file. However, after laying in bed endless nights thinking there has to be more to life than this. I packed up and moved out. I was sad, hurt, angry etc. All the feelings that the counselor said I would have that I thought I wouldn't have, I did.

I'll admit that I messed up on both sides. He wanted me to give up my guy and I wanted him to remove his brother from our house. I was willing to compromise. However, I thought him kicking the brother out first was more important considering this guy was actually here and my "friend" was 70 miles away. Needless to say, neither of us was willing to budge and I, in a sense, was forced out.

I admitted my faults but when my "husband" came back with his responses the usually involved money and always resorted to me having an affair. Not what the drove me to have an affair, just that I had one.

I was in a corner. Deep down I knew I was better off leaving -- it was just the thought of leaving that hurt. Leaving my house, my comfort zone and a relationship of 12 years-he wasn't willing to work on.

When I left, I gave him 30 days to kick his brother out. He said he already talked to him and I figured my temporary stay at my parents was just that, temporary. The week I moved out, my 'husband' and I went out for dinner that Saturday night. Everything was fine. We went out the following Friday and Saturday nights. We talked about getting back on track with finances, working on painting the house etc. Everything was led to believe that I was coming home.
That was until the following Wednesday, I called 'husband' to let him know I transferred money. He told me that I had mail at the house and I said, well I'll come by to get it. That is when he told me he changed the locks. Which is illegal mind you. I just paid half the mortgage.
He started laughing saying, I was going to change them back but I didn't want you taking stuff out.
Ok. I was under the impression that I just picked out colors for our bedroom genius. I told him we were done and on the next Monday, I filed.

It is heartbreaking. Its heartbreaking to know that he will never understand that his brother and both their unwillingness to do anything ruined a marriage.

It also pisses me off that I didn't take everything when I did because I can't get back in the house and knowing my stuff is there...really grinds my gears.

Now we're on to the responses of have your lawyer talk to my lawyer.
And I'm still waiting for the divorce diet to kick in.