There are times...

when the song fits the situation. Take for instance, I'm flying home tonight listening to XM on the airplane and staring out the window. Supertramp's Take the long way home comes on. I smile. It fits. Just the first few opening notes -- the soundtrack of my life.

Yours truly escaped the midwest this weekend to a west coast destination on the water. It was my first real trip without the spouse. Now it was me doing all the driving in an unknown land. My mom was in my former positon. I had to teach her the rules to road tripping. Camera in hand, be prepared for funny photos and learning to take self portraits. None the less, I had a weekend of no worries, Sirrius blues and the water.

We spent the day at the beach, cameras in hand I walked the beach letting the water wash over my feet. I picked up shells and rocks to take home, they are a symbol of my freedom. My mom looked over and saw that the bottoms of my jeans were soaked. I just told her I didn't care. It was a baptism of my new found freedom and free spirit.

I found myself appreciating every minute. My mom slept in the passengers seat, I had the blues cranked up. Perfect weather, blues, and the open road is just what the doctor ordered.

I also decided that I was going to get crafty again. I bought a pattern and fabric and will make my new purse. Again, getting back to the basics. Eleanor Roosevelt said, You must do the things you think you cannot do". I did and I will. I will learn to sew again and I did, for the first time kayak. I was afraid. My mom, however, was excited to get me in the water. Once I was in and balanced. It was awesome. I can't wait to do it again.

My ex would have never kayaked. I'm sure he would have bitched about the traffic, tried to mow people down and complained about walking. Finally, I did something where I didn't have to worry about what the other person would think.

It was just another example of getting over my fears. I just have to get over that hump by taking that first step.

I did catch a nasty head cold. You know the one where you just want to cry because you don't feel good. When that happens, I keep thinking how I just wanted to be back in my own bed. I really don't have my own bed anymore. I wasn't thinking of the one at my parents, I was thinking of the one I left behind. Then those thoughts of what I left behind come creeping in.

Add that to the fact that my trip home from the airport is a little extended these days and have to pass by my old way home. I got sad, let a few tears fall and took the long way home.

In number hell...

The filling out of the discovery paperwork continues. The shocker tonight was the credit card debt I've seem to accumulated due to the retail retaliation part of my marriage.

I'm staring at these numbers in awe. In a way, I'm glad this is done because now I know where I stand on money and what I need to do. I'm thinking I could knock some of these balances out within the next month or two and that would leave me with the heavy hitters. This will mean that I will have to buckle down and get serious about paying off my debt. And having no mortgage payment of miscellaneous expenses helps too. 2009 will be a new start. 2008 is my recovery period.

Then again, some of these balances are already down due to payments I made over the course of a few days but it isn't down by much. None the less, its a lesson learned. I need Suze Orman stat!

It seems like everyday something sentimental from the past creeps in. Today, I was behind one of my old neighbors and the other was pulling out the appraisal paperwork and seeing pictures of my house. Seeing the pics of the house made me upset. I looked at them with regret -- I felt bad I left my house in their hands.

I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that I was the one who had to leave and those two get to stay. I'm still seriously banking on the karma train to stop by their lives one day. The comforting fact is that house is full of memories and even though he tries to paint over them, the fact that I was there for 11+ years still will haunt him. I hope. Then again, they don't think like that. I'm hoping he brings a new girlfriend to court. I can kill them with kindness, shake her and and say -- take care of my house. I'll do it with a smile.

I watched the Break Up again tonight. Whenever I'm bored at work, I pop that movie in. That was the classic story of my life. Guys just don't seem to get it. If they do get it I'm pretty sure they are gay. OR they know what to say to a woman. I just kept thinking that I was thinking of a divorce when that movie came out and that was a few years ago.

I still just want to go up to him and say what the fuck dude. Do you not get it? But even if he did want a reconciliation -- forget it. It will never be the same. Any little fight that would erupt, he'd blame me and quite frankly, I don't think I can trust anyone right now.

When that bond of trust is broken, its gone. And its damn hard to replace.

In transition...

The big birthday bash at work was this past week, mine included. So I hit the local Wal-hell to pick up some last minute things. While I was there, I decided to spend some money. The thoughts of not wanting to buy presents for two people you couldn't stand were in my head but the thought of draining my bank account was too.

Two weeks ago, I got the discovery paperwork from my lawyer. It angered me. Its 12 pages wanting in detail my financial dealings over the last three years. I avoided filling it out (until now) because I know in the end, its all about the money. And I'm for certain that he's hiding some. There is no doubt in my mind about that.

A few days before that, I started buying little things for where ever I may live. I knew that if I bought things that I could pack away, I'd be ahead of the game when it came time to move.

I'm in this mindset that I really don't want anything they've touched or used. I want some of my kitchen stuff but not all of it. Having said that, I found myself in the kitchen aisle. I started rebuilding my kitchen stash. In someways, its healing. Its exciting. I don't know where I'm going to be living but at least I know I won't have to rush out and buy all this stuff at once. Its purchased and packed away in a box waiting for its new home.

Then last night, with time to kill and a 10% coupon in my hand for Target, I got my silverware and plates. I wanted to make sure I had a decent shopping trip there. I just got the 4 servings, I figured that is all I need right now. Tho, I might go back and double it up. The plates and bowls were all on clearance.

I got a $30 gift card from a co-worker and I'm using that for my ladder bookcase that I'll order next week.

As crazy as it sounds, I'm building my life one purchase at a time. The way I want it.

The discovery paperwork will be finished by Tuesday putting me one step closer to closure.

Off limits

Last night when I was able to crash and burn, I turned on Sex In The City. I know, shocker. It was, however, one of my favorite episodes. It was the episode with the new Yankee. The episode that starts out talking about a breakup. Carrie's narrating about all the off limit places, streets, restaurants etc. and the times that you shouldn't be going after the breakup for fear of running into your ex.

I couldn't help but feel that is true. I know that if I leave my house 10 minutes late, I run the risk of passing my brother in law on the road. The two or three times I have, I've flipped him off. I don't care if he saw me do it, it was just a great sense of relief and a feel good moment.

I haven't been back to my house since I moved out. I don't want to go back but I know I have to get the remainder of my things. But my friends live down the street. I don't have to go by the house but I get panic attacks when I make that turn. I don't want to see him. I don't want to face them. Just knowing I'm in the vicinity is enough.

I've also found myself wanting to keep moving while I'm in town during rush hour. If I get caught at a light, I'm constantly looking to make sure he's not near me. When I've been at the gym, the treadmills and elipicals face the major highway in town. Of course, its the one he uses to and from work. I've made it a point of not looking at the cars to see him.

Case in point, last night. I was getting my oil changed at a place on that major highway nearing the danger zone time limit. I kept busy with my phone and made it a point NOT to look at the road.

I've been lucky not to pass him and to only see him once since I filed. When I did see him, I was sick to my stomach. Its not that I'm afraid of him. I just don't want him in my life and as the old saying goes out of sight, out of mind and that is just the way I like it.

I wouldn't mind if he sees me running around town at an off peak time for me. Then I'm like, screw it, let him wonder what I'm doing.

Like tonight for instance, I'm going to dinner and a movie with the boss. I'm going to park my car out front so he can see it. Available parking permitting. Then let him wonder what I'm doing or who I'm with. He would never suspect it would be the boss and I. He would probably make up another lie to make himself feel better.

I just wish I had the new Yankee on my arm.

Shopping....

So when I was married and a homeowner, I decorated the house. It was bittersweet because I just got the kitchen painted the way I wanted it and decided that I wanted out. I had painted it with two walls a deep red and the other two a dark yellow. Sort of Tuscan, reminded me of an Italian -- well something Italian. I had my mom make the curtains from some clearance curtains we found at Potterybarn.

I paid for that. There were lots of nights after the roomies went to bed that I would sit in my kitchen/dining room and stare at it. I was pissed off that I made my mom go through the task of making the curtains, only to leave them with two "people" who didn't appreciate anything. I felt guilty about that. My friend called me out asking me if I knew I wanted out, why did I bother to do anything to it.

I was bored. I needed a project. I said.

I miss my kitchen the most. I miss having my own bathroom next.

The only thing he fought me on was oak vs. dark wood. He said it didn't work in the house. You can make anything work in a house, you just need the style to accompany it. I wanted a ladder book case, dark wood of course and was denied every time. If I wanted one in oak, I could have it. Oak just didn't look right. I mean come on, seriously.

Fast forward to me moving out.

I decided that I'm going to do what I did last time and start buying small things for my new place. I have no idea where my new place will be or what it will look like but damn it, I'll be ready for it.

My shopping trip started out by investing in the cleaning utensil that I miss the most, my swiffer.
In the cart went the new swiffer starter kit. Next, came the wet swiffer cleany things. It was a box of three for the price of one. I figured ok, I'll get them, they are sealed, it'll last.

My next attempt at a purchase was at Target. Target had a furniture sale and guess what is on sale. Yep, my ladder bookcase in dark wood. I rushed to find one but ended up only with a rain check. I didn't get it yet and I'm checking Targets periodically. It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine.

I did however, get a bookcase. I got another dark wood one off the website that I figured would go just dandy where ever I put it. It came today. When I saw it leaning up against the house, I couldn't help but feel it was just one more sign of my freedom.

Catching Up

Wow what a difference a year makes. Well almost a year.
I have filed for divorce, moved out and still seeing that guy.

I waited as long as I could to file. However, after laying in bed endless nights thinking there has to be more to life than this. I packed up and moved out. I was sad, hurt, angry etc. All the feelings that the counselor said I would have that I thought I wouldn't have, I did.

I'll admit that I messed up on both sides. He wanted me to give up my guy and I wanted him to remove his brother from our house. I was willing to compromise. However, I thought him kicking the brother out first was more important considering this guy was actually here and my "friend" was 70 miles away. Needless to say, neither of us was willing to budge and I, in a sense, was forced out.

I admitted my faults but when my "husband" came back with his responses the usually involved money and always resorted to me having an affair. Not what the drove me to have an affair, just that I had one.

I was in a corner. Deep down I knew I was better off leaving -- it was just the thought of leaving that hurt. Leaving my house, my comfort zone and a relationship of 12 years-he wasn't willing to work on.

When I left, I gave him 30 days to kick his brother out. He said he already talked to him and I figured my temporary stay at my parents was just that, temporary. The week I moved out, my 'husband' and I went out for dinner that Saturday night. Everything was fine. We went out the following Friday and Saturday nights. We talked about getting back on track with finances, working on painting the house etc. Everything was led to believe that I was coming home.
That was until the following Wednesday, I called 'husband' to let him know I transferred money. He told me that I had mail at the house and I said, well I'll come by to get it. That is when he told me he changed the locks. Which is illegal mind you. I just paid half the mortgage.
He started laughing saying, I was going to change them back but I didn't want you taking stuff out.
Ok. I was under the impression that I just picked out colors for our bedroom genius. I told him we were done and on the next Monday, I filed.

It is heartbreaking. Its heartbreaking to know that he will never understand that his brother and both their unwillingness to do anything ruined a marriage.

It also pisses me off that I didn't take everything when I did because I can't get back in the house and knowing my stuff is there...really grinds my gears.

Now we're on to the responses of have your lawyer talk to my lawyer.
And I'm still waiting for the divorce diet to kick in.