In number hell...

The filling out of the discovery paperwork continues. The shocker tonight was the credit card debt I've seem to accumulated due to the retail retaliation part of my marriage.

I'm staring at these numbers in awe. In a way, I'm glad this is done because now I know where I stand on money and what I need to do. I'm thinking I could knock some of these balances out within the next month or two and that would leave me with the heavy hitters. This will mean that I will have to buckle down and get serious about paying off my debt. And having no mortgage payment of miscellaneous expenses helps too. 2009 will be a new start. 2008 is my recovery period.

Then again, some of these balances are already down due to payments I made over the course of a few days but it isn't down by much. None the less, its a lesson learned. I need Suze Orman stat!

It seems like everyday something sentimental from the past creeps in. Today, I was behind one of my old neighbors and the other was pulling out the appraisal paperwork and seeing pictures of my house. Seeing the pics of the house made me upset. I looked at them with regret -- I felt bad I left my house in their hands.

I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that I was the one who had to leave and those two get to stay. I'm still seriously banking on the karma train to stop by their lives one day. The comforting fact is that house is full of memories and even though he tries to paint over them, the fact that I was there for 11+ years still will haunt him. I hope. Then again, they don't think like that. I'm hoping he brings a new girlfriend to court. I can kill them with kindness, shake her and and say -- take care of my house. I'll do it with a smile.

I watched the Break Up again tonight. Whenever I'm bored at work, I pop that movie in. That was the classic story of my life. Guys just don't seem to get it. If they do get it I'm pretty sure they are gay. OR they know what to say to a woman. I just kept thinking that I was thinking of a divorce when that movie came out and that was a few years ago.

I still just want to go up to him and say what the fuck dude. Do you not get it? But even if he did want a reconciliation -- forget it. It will never be the same. Any little fight that would erupt, he'd blame me and quite frankly, I don't think I can trust anyone right now.

When that bond of trust is broken, its gone. And its damn hard to replace.