I drove home in silence

My worst fears came true tonight. I wrote the previous post then saved it to continue later while so a friend and I could go out to eat.

Earlier in the day while we were deciding what to for lunch, I mentioned Chili's. We agreed to go there later after work because last week she saw a "hot" waiter guy there and wanted to try for two weeks in a row. I said I wondered if my soon to be ex kept up our Wednesday night tradition of going there.

We met there at 5:30. I asked her, you remember what my ex looks like and she said yeah. 90 min later we were wrapping up our meal when she said, He's here. I looked behind me and bam there he was. All the emotions that I feared I would feel, I did. I was paralyzed. Semi freaking out. The moment I most dreaded was here. We were mere feet from each other, except he was in the bar area and we were at the table by the hostess stand.

He had to know I was there. First off, I parked my car right out front and secondly, you had no choice but to see me when you walked in. Then came me asking my friend every 5 seconds, did they look over here..she was keeping an eye on them. Then the guy he was with got up to go to the bathroom--he went one way and came back the other completing the circle of the dining area in an obvious attempt to spot me. When I realized it was his best friend, his best man, I put my head down.

It was time to go. I told my friend, if I get up and they look at me -- I'll just wave. However, when it came time to get up and leave. I never looked in their direction. Somehow, it was just too painful to look.

We got to my car and looked for obvious damage just in case. Then I looked for either of their cars. I didn't see either one of them. Which leads me to believe, either his friend got a new car or my ex did. And he obviously has enough money to go out to eat.

I felt sick. I just wish the fuckers would have shown up earlier so I would haven't pigged out on my entree. I wanted to send him an angry text, go to my house, get my stuff, yell and scream at him. The thought, the sight all of it makes me sick.

So sick, I couldn't even move in the car. I just drove, no radio, iPod...just me and the road.

Stand still.

I feel like everything is moving forward but this divorce. I want/need to get back into my house to claim the rest of my things. However, I can't. I could, if I wanted to involve the police but I don't want to look bad. My soon to be ex is dragging his heels on everything. I feel once I get back in my house and get my things. I will some how be at rest. I hope. Besides, I'm dying to see what they've done with the place.

I saw my soon to be ex brother in law a few mornings ago. I continued with tradition and flipped the fucker off but this time I looked at him. He never looked at me. Apparently, the fucker knows whats coming when he sees me.

I had another run in with my old boyfriends kids. I'll admit. He is really good with his kids to the point where mmmm, I'd like to have one with him...

The end of my single life.....

eh, kinda.

the parents are flying home tomorrow and I can say that I'll be glad to have them back but I really enjoyed having the house to myself the last 10+ days. It gave me a great outlook of what its really like being on my own. Including, polishing off a box of honey nut Cheerios during Entourage.

The week has been filled with single life stories, I'll pick up when the boy came over late Sunday night.

We had a conversation, kinda a deep one. Religion, sex and telling me that it was fate I was there that day, I consider that deep -- especially for a guy. The conversation ended with us in bed. For someone telling me he wanted to take it slow, I missed the part where we were speeding up. While the deed was going on, I couldn't help but feel like I was transported back to 1994 gettin' it on while the parents were gone. Headboard banging and all. It was quick, he apologized and I was thinking -- it has to get better because if it isn't. I'm going out and getting all new toys.

Come Monday, no post fuck follow up call. It came on Tuesday with a five minute conversation telling me how his day went with his mom, she is sick so I gave him that.

Wednesday was another phone call. I was over at a friends house about to engage in a threesome ( yes, I know -- I'm feeling my oates) when I told him to come lay with me because he wasn't getting any sleep. He chuckled, I hung up and basically watched my friends fuck.

On Thursday, I had potential customers coming in and wanted to nail a deal so I could do some consulting after the first of the year. I told the boy that this was a big deal and he wished me luck and knew I could nail it. Well, I think I did. It was later that night we had our first official long phone call. And when I say long, I mean 15+ minutes. He was telling me that he is getting a new car and was elaborating on the personalized plates he was getting for it. I'm like you can't put that on a car. He goes, we'll come up with something better. Then told me how hot I was going to look riding in that car.

The boy is being very optimistic about the future.

That phone call ended with him saying those dreaded three words. Yep, he confessed it first. I love you. I stuttered, stammered and felt myself getting hot. I asked him, what did you say. He goes, should I have waited. I'm like -- I dunno. Then without feeling, I said..God damn I love you too. We hung up and I poured myself a stiff drink.

Those words to me are cheap. I can honestly tell you I've said them but never felt it. Well maybe with LA man. I dunno. Am I ready to take on this challenge? I don't know.

Tomorrow is our godchild's birthday party. We will both be there. Should be another interesting day!

All eyes on me...

After Sunday, my week was filled with what if's, comments, questions and concerns. Apparently he IS interested in me - which I read from a friend in a facebook message- and doesn't want to be the rebound. Who does want to be the rebound?!

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon. My friend and I are out for a girls/sweetest day afternoon at a wine tasting. We stop and get something to eat. I happen to check my phone and bam. One missed call. However, this call was from my former exchange area. I paniced because I didn't know who had my number or who was calling. A few seconds later, I had a voice mail. As my friend and I pondered who was calling me, my voice mail kicked in with that familiar first message...and a hey baby.

I freaked.

It was then my friend knew he called. We were both freaking.
His voice mail was short, sweet and reassuring. Telling me he would call back later. And he did. When I answered, I was giddy. He wanted to make sure I was attending another friends birthday party the next day. And then he said, he'd call me on his lunch break. He did.

To top my sweetest day off, he stopped over for a quick kiss after work.

So the next day was the birthday party for a friend -- the friend who kinda sorta got us together in the beginning. I didn't want to get there right at 2, so I took my time around the house and arrived fashionably late looking very fashionable.

He wasn't there.

Everyone else was. And when I walked in, they stared at me. I was getting questioned and it was brought up that he stopped by and I said how did you know. Apparently, HE was just there and had to leave for a few to get his kids. I avoided questions and focused on football and my wine.

Then he showed up. Great, I have to act sociable and I get to meet my future step kids.
Cute kids, obnoxious and they look like him. Good thing its not a terrible reminder of their mother. We were making comments and eyes at each other. I stayed in the living room with the ladies. The kids were off playing wildly in the corner. When my friend asked me -- are you sure you want this? I looked at my wine glass, smiled and downed the last little bit.

When I went to fill up the glass, I noticed that him and the birthday boy were outside by the tree talking just the two of them and I knew I was in trouble. When we sat down to eat, I realized that we had now become the entertainment.

He did sneak me a kiss in the kitchen and gave me his jacket when I was cold. Which I thought was cute. As the party winded down, he took the kids home and I stayed behind. But before he left, he whispered in my ear...see you later.

I claimed a portion of the couch and waited for the comments. I got he's so happy, its awesome blah blah blah.....

It was then I knew I had to go home and get stuff done. I left shortly before 7.

forces of nature and alcohol...

i went to my friends house this weekend to have her look over this bullshit settlement offer i got. what i didn't know is that my ex boyfriend and my god partner over our god child was there. my friend and i already knocked off a bottle of wine and were on the to the boxed wine when i asked her who was here and she confirmed...it was him. i got up and was going to go out to the garage but they were on their way in. he made a comment about being good looking and based on what i know about his previous ladies....i was the best he ever had.

then all of us sat on the deck and the flirting began. you know, the foot taping, caress, the stare etc....

we stayed for dinner, i made him take me home to let my dogs out. after fourteen plus years, he still remembered where my parents lived. i told him i couldn't believe that after all this time he still remembered. his comeback was just because we weren't together didn't mean he didn't think about me or drive by parents once in awhile.

mmmm...

during dinner the flirting continued, we kissed a few times and held hands.

needless to say..i felt that our friends were pushing us together again. because at one point in the evening, he kissed me again and my friend goes oh you can do a better job...then he laid one on me. the four of us sat by the fire and god damn if we didn't act like a couple. he had his arm around me, we held hands it was sooo surreal.

was i buzzed, yes. was he, maybe -- i couldn't tell. if he was, it didn't seem like it.

then our friends went to bed and told us we were welcome to stay in the driveway or use the camper if needed. jokes were made. i honestly, didn't want to leave without him.

we stayed in the driveway for another two hours talked and kissed. he laid it all on the line. telling me i needed to stop talking about my ex, that him and i were god parents over this child for a reason and that if we were gonna make another run at this...we needed to take it slow. every time i tried to interrupt him, he would shut me up and say me first.

i asked him if he saw the way i looked at him at the baptism then i told him we fit. i caved.

truth be told, this was the one that got away and i never thought about it until now. its not a rebound, because in my own opinion, i've been single the last two/three years of my marriage.

we parted at 12:30 am and he told me that he'd see me next weekend. i was ecstatic. i cursed the friend that fixed us up who is no longer with us. maybe this was the sign i keep asking her to send me.

i wanted to text him and thank him for a great evening. i finally did tuesday afternoon. i sent him a text asking him if i was going to see him again. i patiently waited. tuesday night he called, i didn't answer because i didn't know the number and yes, he lives with his ex. i know, i know, what the hell am i doing.

moving on, he leaves me a voice mail that i have played repeatedly telling me of course he'd see me again and that we need to have a talk without alcohol involved. crap. i sent him a text asking if a long talk was good or bad. he never responded. so do i shrug this off and chalk it up to a false good time?

i emailed our friend who's house we were at and asked her if i was outta line. she responds with something with the word rebound in it. rebound? wtf?

its almost the weekend, i'm dying to know if i'll see him. i did happen to find out today that their friend is having a birthday party and i'm anxiously awaiting to see if i get an invite. we'll see. its hard for me to take it slow and i really want to know what he wants to talk to me about. if he still wants to talk, considering he never returned my text and hasn't called since tuesday night.

My mom likes my stuff...

While moving back in with the parents was no easy feat, watching my mom devour my things is even more painstaking.

Before I moved out, we no wait I had to purchase a new vacuum. It wasn't even a month old before I left. I brought it with me here and mom has taken it over. Its a bag-less one, she's amazed by how much it picks up. She'll use it but won't empty it. Then the one day I went to use it, and it made this god awful noise. Getting into the habit of doing and fixing things on my own, I started to take it apart. In doing this, I found out she had sucked up a pencil. Did she not notice the noise? I kindly reminded her that she needed to be more careful.

Then yesterday while I was repacking my boxes, I was going to save some candles...She takes them out and starts burning them.

There are other things that drive me nuts about my parents and I'm sure there are things about me that drive them nuts. But it does lead me to believe ....could I live with someone else again?

It came in the mail...

the first proposed settlement from his lawyer to mine. While it lists mostly what I want, my lawyer and I agree that no one in their right mind would give me what I want that easy. He's hiding something. Why would you send off a settlement without handing over the discovery paperwork first? I told my lawyer that was ok and we'd wait. He was in agreement. Nice to know, someone has my back.

I also found out he's not cooperating with his lawyer. Which, could make things difficult. I can't get back in the house either. If I can't get a date to get back in, I WILL show up with the cops. Just keep pushing me. Oh, and I will show up with the most fearful people he knows. I'm done and now I mean business.

Oh yeah, the thing I find most interesting is the fact that I heard through the grapevine that he is paying $275-$325 per hour for this broad. The settlement is riddled with spelling errors and incomplete sentences. HA. Another proven fact that just because the price is higher, doesn't mean the quality is that good.

I had the day off yesterday. That was spent on the phone with the gas company making sure that the service is now out of my name and that I'm getting a refund. Seeing that the brother in law was so nice in paying ahead when the account was in my name, I got the money. That makes up for half the house payment I made when I wasn't allowed back in my place. That refund should come next week, then I can pay off my credit card. Thanks Guys. I knew I'd get some of it back!

I also re-packed some stuff. When we moved me, we literally just tossed stuff in bags and moved. I didn't know where half my things were, actually still don't. Now, I've got good boxes and I'm packing stuff up and labeling it. I was doing that yesterday morning.

My new item for my new life this week was a box of six earth-toned mixing bowls from Sam's Club last night. I'll buy one new item a week and I'll be good to go.

I also got my hair done last night. My stylist and I chatted about the pitfalls of dating. I can't say that I've been out dating but I've been testing the waters to see what is out there. I can tell you, its not looking promising. I finally agreed to go to dinner with this guy I had been exchanging emails with. He tells me that he can't go out to eat because he gets nervous and wants to order in at his place. I'm like..no. I've ignored him since.

Based on that, I've been hanging with my friends and going from there. Thursday night, my friend and I hit a party in the city then went to a restaurant I've been dying to try. I look at all the stuff I've done in the last two and half months since I've been gone and I'm out and about. Sometimes I wonder what they are doing but then again I'm sure it consists of nothing but staying home and watching George Lopez or Orange County Choppers. Again, that is what HE wanted.

Shock and awe

Its been two full months since I made my guest appearance back at the parents house. I've settled into a routine. I try to be out of the house by 7AM to get to work at a decent time. And today, without even thinking--I did my laundry. See back when I was married I did laundry on Wednesdays and Saturdays like clockwork. Now that the only clothes in the basket are mine, its on an as needed basis. Which is weird. But its not weird, its an adjustment. Either way its Wednesday and I feel good about doing things the "old" way.

I'm on fresh bottles of shampoo, conditioner, face cream etc. just a sign of the times I've been here. I even brought my old table lamp up into my bedroom. Just trying to make it feel like home and its somewhat comforting.

I checked my voice mail this afternoon and go figure the one time I turn my phone off to charge it, my lawyer calls.
Seems as if we might have our first settlement offer.
This scares me.
Why?
Because either they are trying to pull a fast one, hubby realizes there is nothing to fight over, his lawyer is too expensive ( word on the street says she's pricey), he's got someone else or all of the above.
The thing I hate the most is waiting all night to see what is on that paper and to see what I was worth to him.
On the other hand, its a very exciting feeling knowing I'm closer to the end and to being free.
What is worse is that I haven't lost any weight --WTF? I thought you were supposed to drop some dress sizes when you get divorced? I have to get working on that -- NOW.

Over the weekend, I looked at my wedding pictures. I hesitated looking at them not knowing what emotion would come over me. Lately its been a feeling of wasted time and money. Either way, I looked at them. I found that the first pictures I turned to were ones of friends and I. Friends that are lost to heaven or lost over stupid arguements.

What I found was that I miss my friends and the good times the most. Pictures of my bridesmaids and I spinning on the dance floor. It wasn't a wedding, it was a party.
I look at my expressions on my face. The camera never lies. I have looks of uncertainty and fake smiles.

At least I have family pictures. Fake family pictures because I'm in a wedding dress. But I have family pics.

When I got to work this morning, I had one of those joke emails from one of my bridesmaids that I had a falling out with. I emailed her back -- we've been making small conversation but at least I made an attempt.

Glasses....check

Yep, thats right. The month of October has brought me new drinking glasses for the new place. Whenever that will be. One more thing bought and put away.

I should be in bed. Last night, I was at a large sporting event that was televised on national tv. I wanted so badly for that jerk to be watching and have the camera pan over and see me. But I knew, that if that ever happened...he wouldn't be watching or would be watching and not even notice it was me. Well this large sporting event caused us and when I say us I mean a friend of mine, my brother and I. Anyway, we rolled in at 5:30 this morning. Hungover and thanking god we made it out of the city alive. I made it to work by 9:30 and worked til 7. I'm a trooper. Actually, I had that work ethic beat into me at an early stage. If I'm old enough to play, I'm old enough to pay. Debt paid.

The last thing I heard my mother say was...I smell liquor. My brother continued his mission on teaching me what its like to be single. He did alright. I have a new favorite drink. Gin and tonic.

What is funny is...ever since I moved out...I've been drinking more beer. Does it come with the terriority? Usually, I'm a miller lite girl but this time it was bud light. Ah well.

Gotta say, I'm liking the single scene. I think I'm making a nice adjustment but sometimes I just miss my old ways.