Sunday Funday..

I started my four day holiday weekend thinking I'm going to get so much done. Next thing you know its 4 on Sunday, you're facing Monday and you realize the only thing you have done was manage to piss away your holiday weekend. I maybe only got a third of what I set out to do done. The only thing I did manage to accomplish was sleeping it off at Grandma's on Thursday during our meal and nearly polishing off a bottle of captain the next night. I didn't take my contacts out from Thursday morning til last night. UGH. Brutal.

So I made a list and started checking it twice and got a move on.

It hit me that after moving back with the parents over four months ago I am still packing up stuff and putting it downstairs. After all that, I still don't have much room in my room to move around in. AND with Christmas fast approaching, mom is on my case to get the spare bedroom cleaned out or up. UGH, I do have too much stuff.

After getting my four month reality check, I realized I still really haven't made a dent in my credit card situation. Time to buckle down and really focus. Even though its snowing like hell out, spring is fast approaching and hopefully a place of my own.

AND I'm not down a size like I wanted to be before I leave for the east coast. #@$(*&#

Tomorrow December 1. I'm ready to roll.

One Step Closer

to ending this disaster. Today, I finally got the rest of my things. Of course, they were outside just waiting there. Again, didn't follow the advice of his lawyer. Shocker. I got everything on the list, well half ass. I got the pots ( the expensive pots, I was shocked) but not half the lids, I got the VCR but not the remote or cord going to the TV and I got the entertainment center but not the shelves. In true ex hubby fashion must be done half ass.

A few observations at the house. New mail box and he had everything locked up and closed tight. I'd have to go peek in the side window if I wanted to see what was going on. Its obvious they are keeping me out of the house for a reason, they have new things. I'm not shocked. They probably put it all on the brothers credit card because Christmas is coming and mommy and daddy can pay it off for them so they can get around the divorce thing that way.

He was home, you could see the curtains move and my friend said he heard him in the bedroom above the garage. So we sat laughed and talked for a bit. Discarded some cigarette buts, chew and then left. I was glad I didn't have to face him. I hate him.

The disappointing factor was no bf to join us. He came last week when we were shot down by the police. Fuckheads knew I was coming but all of a sudden were gone. I bet they realized I wasn't fucking around when I had the cops show up at the door and they didn't answer because after I demanded a court order to get in the house my phone was ringing and I got to get my stuff today.

KARMA, I'm praying for KARMA.

Define Irony...

I'm still blown away by MB's comment or paragraph to me asking me to understand. I do. It still hurts. Although, in hindsight, I don't think I would want to finally get the guy I want and lose him to a war for nine months and not really knowing what is going on. Maybe its for the best, but one thing is for sure, I have the worst timing.

I kept the email and read it thinking yeah it could have happened. It still might, the man has a plan, I just wish I knew what it was.

I could never get past the first paragraph of the email until today when I looked at his baby's name. The middle name of the child is the name of the guy I'm currently dating. Better yet, MB baby's initials--spell out my current flames nickname. MMMM.

Timing is everything.....

I had originally filed for divorce almost two years ago but then never sent the paperwork thru, thinking things were going to change. In reality, I knew they wouldn't. I just wasn't ready yet for that move. The following months were filled with me telling everyone I was going to do it. In fact, I was, I was moving stuff out and preparing. I was just never ready for the big move.

That being said, fast forward to last week. I was at the local watering hole were everyone knows my name and a friend of mine came up to me and said, hey I got an email from ....lets call him military boy or MB for short.

With all that was going on, I forgot about my crush on MB, my former favorite bartender. For months, well possibly years I flirted with this guy. We met up on occasion, went out for lunch, gave me rides back to my car and by far gave the best hugs. He was in the middle of his divorce, I hadn't started mine. I made nice with his soon to be ex, just in case.

With all the flirting, things never happened with MB.

So back to my friend telling me that he heard from MB and MB wanted to tell everyone who mattered that he says hi.

Two days later, I was emailing MB. Giving him congrats on his new baby and to tell him I was sorry for my poor flirting skills.

The return email said something to the effect he was trying to get his personal life straightened out and didn't want to end up in my business. I took that as saying -- yeah he would have dated me. FUCK.

I ended up telling my mother tonight that we've exchanged some emails. Her reply to this was...he would have been the ultimate son in law. I'm thinking. I know. I'm crushed.

Maybe his new wife won't be able to handle him fighting for our freedom and divorce him and then he can realize that the third time is a charm, with me.

Proceed with caution....

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel these days. Am I supposed to be quiet and sit back, wait for the hammer to fall until the divorce is over so should I be out and living? I chose the later.
Which is why I'm hanging with the ex...who tells me he loves me, wants to move in with me and told me he was sorry for the first time we dated. Yep.

I'm feeling things that either I haven't felt in a long time or never felt before. I'm doing things that I've done all along. Waited by the phone and listened to every car that rolled by. I still take things for granted and don't trust anyone. I still think guys bullshit me.

The funny thing about the ex and I hooking back up is that sometimes it feels like as if it were yesterday. The comfort level is already there. And I don't know about him but he continues to amaze me.

Saturday night was cold. I was supposed to go to a post Halloween party however, declined knowing I'd be the oldest one there and far outta place. I was engaging in an episode of Storm Chasers when my phone rang. I know now, that he'll never call me from his cell until his divorce is over so I answered the phone. I heard him say...she's gonna freak.

He wanted me to come over and meet his friends. I made him come get me. I grabbed a bottle of wine, tried to look my best and anxiously awaited for him to come. When he did, I was out the door saying he's here, i'll see you later....it was a flashback to high school.

So I went and got interviewed by his friends. It and he was so cute. He was totally showing me off, kissing me here and there, telling me he loved me...on and on ....His friends wife was excited there was a friendly female in the house to talk to and I was thrilled to meet his friends other than our circle.

Then came interview time. First his friend and I talked, then I got interviewed by his wife. I learned alot. I loved them, I hope they liked me.

The ex and I ended up crashing on their basement futon and had conversations that I was sure he wasn't going to remember. It was then in the dark with a buzz on, I confessed I wanted kids.
He seemed shocked and asked why I didn't tell him sooner. What I do remember is him telling me we'd try. It was then in the dark with a buzz on that he told me he was sorry for us not working out the first time.

The next morning, a slight headache included, his friend made us breakfast. Then the ex drove me home around 10ish.

After hardly any sleep I found myself in the car with my friend on our way to do some shopping and learning even more about my ex and his soon to be ex.

"he's a stand up guy" she says. I knew that. I love watching him with his kids. I love the fact that he took his jacket off for me that one day. I love the fact that he tells me he's talking about me to everyone and that he calls and says I love you.

I hate the fact that I wait around the phone for him to call, that he is sporadic in calling, at this point is inaccessible and that we never get a chance to talk.

What I really hate is that for the first time.....in a long time....I don't want to go on a trip now because I don't want to miss a chance to see him. Has someone finally grounded me or is it the early stages of young love.....???

When he called last night ( after I heard him drive by) he wanted to apologize for not calling earlier, I said I figured it was because he was busy. He said he didn't want me to be mad over the "wanting to have a baby comment" ....now I'm thinking WTF? Was I that lit? Did I miss something? Was it all in my head?

I told him that I didn't want to leave this weekend because I didn't want to miss a chance to see him. He told me that pretty soon, I'd be seeing so much of him I'd be sick of him.

Damn, I thought to myself. He's one of those who knows what to say at all the right times.

In the old 'hood....

I figured that after last weeks semi encounter, I could handle anything to a point. So I went to vote in the old neighborhood this morning. My old polling place is one street over from my old house. So I finally got the courage to take a spin by.

I thought I would feel some emotional effects and truth be told. I do miss the place but I didn't break down and cry. Nothing has changed. He cut down my lillies and took a sign out of the window but that was it. It just looks lonely. The house on the corner is for sale. That would be a real bitch if I bought that and moved in.

The other weird thing is, he still has my old cell phone on. I've been calling it periodically to see if I have any voicemails and today I did. From the electric company's collection agency.

When his F'ing brother moved in, the agreement was he was to pay all the utilities. That worked until oh, about two months before I moved out. Nothing got paid. This one happened to be in my name. I called the utilites and told him I had moved out and to take my name off but because there was a balance that fuck-head number one didn't pay, they wouldn't do so.

Following the advice of my lawyer, I didn't pay it and forwarded it to them. They never paid it. So today, I finally paid it. I was sick of the collection calls. I'll get my money back, don't worry. It just pisses me off. Because again, he's not cooperating with his lawyer, not answering anything she sends him. It doesn't seem to bother anyone but me. My life is on hold because this fucker won't get off his fat lazy ass and do something about it.

I also demanded from my lawyer that I get back in that house now. So the date is set and I have my boys ready to roll. I've been nice long enough, I'm putting my bitchy britches on now.

Why should I be afraid of him? Why should he run me out of town? I'm not letting him push me anymore.

And I set a goal last night, I am going to be down a size before I leave for Boston next month for several reasons.......