Proceed with caution....

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel these days. Am I supposed to be quiet and sit back, wait for the hammer to fall until the divorce is over so should I be out and living? I chose the later.
Which is why I'm hanging with the ex...who tells me he loves me, wants to move in with me and told me he was sorry for the first time we dated. Yep.

I'm feeling things that either I haven't felt in a long time or never felt before. I'm doing things that I've done all along. Waited by the phone and listened to every car that rolled by. I still take things for granted and don't trust anyone. I still think guys bullshit me.

The funny thing about the ex and I hooking back up is that sometimes it feels like as if it were yesterday. The comfort level is already there. And I don't know about him but he continues to amaze me.

Saturday night was cold. I was supposed to go to a post Halloween party however, declined knowing I'd be the oldest one there and far outta place. I was engaging in an episode of Storm Chasers when my phone rang. I know now, that he'll never call me from his cell until his divorce is over so I answered the phone. I heard him say...she's gonna freak.

He wanted me to come over and meet his friends. I made him come get me. I grabbed a bottle of wine, tried to look my best and anxiously awaited for him to come. When he did, I was out the door saying he's here, i'll see you later....it was a flashback to high school.

So I went and got interviewed by his friends. It and he was so cute. He was totally showing me off, kissing me here and there, telling me he loved me...on and on ....His friends wife was excited there was a friendly female in the house to talk to and I was thrilled to meet his friends other than our circle.

Then came interview time. First his friend and I talked, then I got interviewed by his wife. I learned alot. I loved them, I hope they liked me.

The ex and I ended up crashing on their basement futon and had conversations that I was sure he wasn't going to remember. It was then in the dark with a buzz on, I confessed I wanted kids.
He seemed shocked and asked why I didn't tell him sooner. What I do remember is him telling me we'd try. It was then in the dark with a buzz on that he told me he was sorry for us not working out the first time.

The next morning, a slight headache included, his friend made us breakfast. Then the ex drove me home around 10ish.

After hardly any sleep I found myself in the car with my friend on our way to do some shopping and learning even more about my ex and his soon to be ex.

"he's a stand up guy" she says. I knew that. I love watching him with his kids. I love the fact that he took his jacket off for me that one day. I love the fact that he tells me he's talking about me to everyone and that he calls and says I love you.

I hate the fact that I wait around the phone for him to call, that he is sporadic in calling, at this point is inaccessible and that we never get a chance to talk.

What I really hate is that for the first time.....in a long time....I don't want to go on a trip now because I don't want to miss a chance to see him. Has someone finally grounded me or is it the early stages of young love.....???

When he called last night ( after I heard him drive by) he wanted to apologize for not calling earlier, I said I figured it was because he was busy. He said he didn't want me to be mad over the "wanting to have a baby comment" ....now I'm thinking WTF? Was I that lit? Did I miss something? Was it all in my head?

I told him that I didn't want to leave this weekend because I didn't want to miss a chance to see him. He told me that pretty soon, I'd be seeing so much of him I'd be sick of him.

Damn, I thought to myself. He's one of those who knows what to say at all the right times.