I had to be the one to make contact

On Christmas Eve I kept checking my phone for text messages or emails. I thought for sure I'd hear from drummer boy, after all it was Christmas Eve when it the tide changed.

I found myself at 11PM watching my godson while his parents were out. The ingredients were there and yet again, sitting alone in the living room of my best friends house....I had a moment of weakness.

It was Christmas Eve, I was alone, and the Honeymooners were on....that was all I needed to make the move when I realized there was no email or text. I sent an email that said...where were you three years ago tonight -- Alice.

I knew by my actions, the potential of opening up a can of worms was there. But yet, I felt that I needed to do it. And I did. There was no quick response. It didn't come til Christmas morning when we exchanged two one lined emails. And that was it.

Over, over

On Monday, October 26th. I found myself in the courtroom surrounded by friends and sizing up his lawyer. Within 10 min, 9 years of marriage was erased from my life. I walked out and thought what next.

I'll admit. It didn't go as planned, didn't go in my favor and I ended up paying out. But what I got in return was a chance to find new love and a second chance.

He never showed. I thought it could have gone either way. I should have expected that after months of hiding behind his lawyer, why start today. I'm sure he's gloating. Thats fine. I can live with that because now, I have that chance to do things my way.

It didn't take me long to get the name change rolling. But I did find that the credit card companies are nicer to you when you say you have a name change due to a marriage as opposed to a divorce.

Since that Monday, I've been organizing my financial situation. Looking for things to buy for my new house and finding it hard to believe I'm single.

Even now. In the still of the night, I can't believe its over. I wonder what he's thinking.

Finally a date...

I've been wanting to call my lawyer for a few days now but with some pending medical issues, I didn't need the heartache. Then he called me. The offer on the table for the last few months now has been over money. Let me say, that not once did I ever change the terms of what I wanted. They, on the other hand, did -- several times.

My lawyer calls me and says that my case went before the judge again and the judge said that the credit card debt was a wash and I would still be stuck paying the ex $5000. My lawyer said that was bullshit and he was going to offer them $1000 less in lieu of my ring which has mysteriously disappeared since 2007. I then told my lawyer I have serious medical issues and I want this done and I want a date before I go into the hospital next Tuesday.

Do I have medical issues, possibly, I had a biopsy. Am I going into the hospital, well yeah to get my results.

After I made that clear to my lawyer, that is when the phone calls started happening. In between calls with my lawyer, I was conversing with my friend who is a lawyer and we both agreed -- the numbers don't add up and the ball was dropped somewhere.

Shortly after that, my lawyer called and said they were standing firm on the $5000 and in lieu of the wedding ring, they would draw up the papers. And it would be done in two weeks. Fine. What was I supposed to do or say? I took the date and sucked it up that I'd have to pay this jerk $5000.

I called back my bff lawyer friend and told her we lost. She was speechless. It was a slam dunk case, I walked away with nothing and still ended up paying. I don't get it. What really makes me mad is how fast we got a date and was it waiting in the wings all along and bam when I said I had medical issues THEN things get done. Hell, I would have pulled that card all along. The thought of him gloating and running around telling everyone he made me pay pisses me off. But I'll write the check and in the memo of the check I'll put -- marriage buyout.

After all the dust settles and the ink is dried, people will know that all he is about is money. Its not the happiness, its about money in their world.

The thing that rocks my world the most is when I called the bf and told him, I was gonna be free he responded with a text that said, that's good for us. I finally told him that I was worried that we'd be dating for a year before I got divorced and he said, close. Which shows, he's keeping tabs.

Its like in the movie, You Got Mail..when Meg Ryan breaks up with Greg Kinear. When she says, its the thought of someone else ...or something like that ...is how I feel. I have that now. I'm more content and happier than ever before.

I'm arranging my posse to meet me at the courthouse. I need someone there because if he does decide to show up, it won't be pretty. I'm on the hunt for the outfit. I can finally open my KOOBA purse. And I feel like I can finally be with my bf.

Then I cried. I was angry, pissed, somewhat joyous that this was FINALLY going to be over. I had a feeling I'd never see my ring again, I was just using it as leverage. But apparently, no one else saw it that way. Now I need to lose 100 lbs in 17 days..

A moment...

I didn't want to update this at work but everyone is gone and I have time to kill before my next job and lets face it, lately when I get home...I don't want to do anything.

I believe it is the end of the road of my relationship with drummer boy. I'm still blocked on facebook and I'm sure I'm blocked on IM. I know I've done this over and over again but it has to end but somehow I just can't let it go. Everytime I get close to the neighborhood...I get sentimental. I feel this way over a douche bag but have absolutely no feelings for my ex husband. Which still hasn't divorced me yet. Note to self, I will make a phone call either tomorrow or Monday.

To end the drummerboy saga for now. I'm sure this is a serious relationship for him if he's gone thru this much trouble to ban me from his life. If it is..I wish him the best of luck. If it isn't...I'm sure he'll come calling soon enough. Besides, I can always look up his movie reviews on youtube.com if I really want to remember him.

So moving on to a relationship that I really do care about and now...really can't stop thinking about...

Current bf of nine months now...finally met my mother on Tuesday night. All went very well. I've only heard my mother go "ohhhh" in that motherly voice twice in the last year. Once when we were at TJ Maxx and there was a stunning Cole Hahn bag there and on Tuesday night when we went to the bathroom and she told me how nice he was.. I'm thinking no kidding, quite a change from before huh.

At then end of the night, when we dropped him off at his house I went to use the restroom and I guess my guy hugged her and told her thanks. He kissed me good bye in front of her and out the door we went. We got in the car and my mom was just stunned. He's very nice and he can carry a conversation. Wow. What does that tell you about my ex husband and guys I've dated since. This for sure is a keeper...but I've known that for a few months now.

I was hoping that him finally meeting my mom would turn the tide a bit and let him know I'm serious and I'm really in this.

Yesterday was current bf's secret day of fun planned for me. We were together all day..three meals together!! I know, relax. Our first stop was to a park near a lake. I've been wanting to go there for a few months now and he's been promising it -- its just that when we took our days of fun this year...we have had bad weather everyday we've skipped out on work. So when the sun was shining -- I was too. Finally, we had a good day.

So we were walking the paths all thru the park, I was in my photo glory, we came upon a clearing that was obviously designed and used for the obvious. I was thinking it when he said it...wouldn't this be a great place for a wedding. I looked at him and said oh yeah....then we walked around in silence for like five minutes then pointed out a few things like lighting and heating....I couldn't help that he was thinking what every girl jumps to in her head....Fall wedding..there! At least that is what I'm planning. Not gonna lie, I've never been so certain about this one.

So this morning when I got to work, I researched the cost and info on my future wedding there. If not wedding, then definitely engagement pictures there.

I mean come on...he had to be thinking of it.

The rest of our day of fun was filled with movie location stops and dinner at an old mobster hideaway. When we then talked about our previous lives. He called my ex an asshole and said he never wanted a wife but just a mom. I'm like YES...I know...it is true tho.

He truly planned the day around things that I love and I would have never gotten that out of my ex or really anyone else I've ever dated. Go with your gut right, this is the one. I know it.

Things on my to do list...

Say I love you and get freaking divorced.

Updating my life....

last weekend I was at a hip east coast destination for the weekend. Not gonna lie, I loved it and left most of my money there. I was doing well for the weekend. Hit two sample sales, shopped some..rule of thumb..stores we don't have here or bought there because the stores originated there....either way. I was doing well money management wise until...Monday morning...

I hit the mega shoe sale and came home with two pairs of D&G shoes. Yep. I scored big on the East Coast.

While I was out last weekend I hit a ultra hip bar and may or may not have had too much to drink, which resulted in ....yep, drunk dialing. I drunk dialed drummer boy. Which resulted in a conversation that went back n forth as to why we aren't together blah blah blah. Which, in turn, resulted in small conversation this past week.

Yesterday, I was in the 'hood and decided to give him a text. I figured I could stop by and say hi. I called him and he answered told him I was around told him I could stop by but it couldn't be for long...he told me not to bother. Then he started brushing me off. Telling me to get my act together and we could be something. About an hour after I got off the phone with him I had an unknown number come up on my phone, I didn't answer it. I knew what it was. It had to be the girlfriend he was with. I've gotten those calls before and besides, stuff wasn't adding up right.

Always go with your gut.

This morning he texts me saying that we should start over from day one if we are ever gonna have a shot at working out. We exchange text messages for a bit. A friend suggested I change my facebook picture to one that I took this weekend. I hesitated, then I did and within minutes...Drummer boy had requested to be my friend.

Now...if you are in a relationship with someone and you are asking an ex girlfriend to be your facebook friend but told your ex girlfriend that you weren't dating anyone but had her all over your facebook profile and stated that you were in a relationship with someone else...why would you do this...

He did.

The only way I got half the info that I did was by telling him facebook was blocked for me at work. Then I started digging. Found out he was in a relationship for over a year, the car he had come picked me up in twice was hers...that they were gonna get married...she was the love of his life...that they were trying out for the AMAZING RACE...which was MY idea!!! fucker...and it goes on...

So then I asked him about the relationship, he told me that he only dated her for a week..then all of a sudden things started to change on his profile..he was now single.. Her facebook statuses consisted of boyfriend sleeping in the other room, drummer boy this, drummer boy that...had a wonderful dinner with drummer boy and his mom...wow...Nothing from him shocks me anymore except the fact that he was this stupid to leave all this out here for me to see.

I told him on IM that she should keep her profile private after I messaged him some statuses and said I see you are in an established relationship, I wish you the best of luck, take care. Never heard another word outta him for the rest of the day.

I could have blown him out of the water and taken our conversation and emailed her with it. But I figured, she'll have enough problems on her hands soon enough. Besides, I am by far the best looking girl he's ever dated...this girl...ugh..she obviously has self esteem issues because she is not all that attractive. And drummer boy...yeah, not as cute as he once was. Sadly, I'm not angry anymore...I really am numb to his actions, they don't surprise me. I just thought that after how sneaky he could be...that he wouldn't have let all that info out.

I just feel sorry for her that she's been able to make it a year now and she still has high hopes for their relationship. He obviously hasn't changed. I'll just wait for her call. She'll figure it out eventually. I just wonder what he told her to get her to change her facebook to private. Because I'm blocked from everything from them now. MMMM....

34, fat and trying to get divorced.....

that about sums up my day. This morning I was called back to the doctors office to redo some lab work. My doctor again reminded me that I was fat. No shit, I thought, she was observant. Needless, to say...I came back to my office and searched for another doctor. A quick poll in my office, revealed that this certain doctor has ..shall we say..shitty bedside manner. Don't get me wrong, I've seen doctors with shitty bedside manners and if I was ever on the table and my life depended on it...I'd want that one doctor. But..given the race this doctors is...this is no shock. AND I'm NOT pulling the race card on this one either. It just comes with the territory.

A few weeks ago, certain family members had a run in with my soon to be ex. I guess it went over ok. He didn't say anything, just let his brother do all the talking. Once again, hiding behind something. Although, I'm pretty certain he was shocked that I had a niece. He's probably wondering why I never told him in the end. Oh well, I didn't want to taint the baby's future. Wonder if he ever thought I was there....mmmm...

Divorce status.

I turned over several thousand dollars of credit card debt to my lawyer a week ago. Who promptly called and told me it was "fucking fabulous" and that his lawyer was waiting to "shove it down his throat". Hopefully, this is the end of it.

It better be, because I'm in love.

Yes. I know. Shocker. I'm in love. And I'm gonna tell him this weekend. Well, next Monday he'll know. We haven't exchanged those pleasantries yet. But I figured after eight plus months of dating, two vacations and plenty of sleepovers, its time. I'm still married I know, it pains me to say that. But I think he really needs to know how I feel. And lets be honest here, I've felt it for a real looooonng time. I even told my mother tonight, this one counts.

For once, I'm considerate in a relationship. I'm doing things I've never done before. I'm not keeping score.

Of all the times I flipped him off...

....this time I waved and he waved back. Sign of the times or what. This afternoon I had a close encounter with the ex brother in law -- who happens to be dating one of my ex friends. They were in a part of the county that everyone I was with was surprised. For once, I hope the big payoff worked. I had my godson's car seat in my car and I made damn sure I opened the door so they could see in. They both got out of the truck, she didn't do anything but look over at us. My ex brother in law looked back one more time. I waved, he waved back.

If anything he can go back to the ex and say that he saw me alone. For once, I wish the bf would have been with me. But if they say that they saw me alone. Let them think that too. We were just shocked they were in a part of the county they really didn't belong in.

On the flip side, it was sad. I realize I can't go on hiding forever out of fear that I will see him with someone or the confrontation. I don't need it, I don't want it. However, I do miss my house. And I miss hanging out with everyone, even if they didn't have my back in the end. We had good times. I just want to suppress it all.

Just proves, I still need to stay on my quest to being hot.

I'm sick of looking at credit card statements. I'm waiting on one more set from my bank and we should be good to go. Hopefully, it will be the ammo he needs to say, we're done. Just let me go.
I figured today that I will be dating harley boy for almost a year before I'm done. Look, its almost September -- there are no signs of this letting up anytime soon, unless I give in and pay. Which I won't. I wonder tho...does he think of me? I'm sure he does, in an evil way.

Either way, I spent my saturday night making jewelry, cleaning out a goody bag from an event on Wednesday night, doing laundry and catching up on here.

The days are slipping off my calendar...

I knew when I flipped my calendar over last month, it was a bad sign. The days are getting shorter, I didn't get nearly the amount of things I wanted to do this summer and oh yeah, STILL NOT DIVORCED. Its even a worse sign when two of your friends divorces are done before you and they started after you.

On Sunday night and I took advantage of the roomies being gone so I could print off credit card statements and get some stuff done on my own. The last two weekends have been sheer busy. The bf and I took off last Friday and did a foodie road trip that lasted 2.5 days, 1396 miles thru five states. We had good conversation and I learned more about his ex. The more I learn, the more I can distance myself from her. The more I'm with him, the more I truly adore him.

I heard from my lawyer today and he wants me to get more statements. So I skipped the gym today, came straight home and was on the phone for 90 mins digging up my past. I'm confident I'll get him in the end.

I'm also pretty sure he's got a new car. Only because one, I saw what was a dead ringer of his old car on the used car lot and two all of a sudden my auto insurance went up. When I looked at my renewal policy for my auto insurance, I saw the house was off. Add it all up, just when he thinks he can sneak something in, I'll eventually catch it. Already reported to my lawyer.

I started to clean up and out some of my stuff in boxes tonight and in the garbage went old photos of Christmas past. I hate throwing out pics with my family in them. So some of them will have to stay.

I know its hard erasing the past. I'm getting that. I'm understanding that with the current bf. The difference between him and I was, I was screaming to get out and he was hit head on with his. So the things I want to tell him, I'm holding off because I know and I can feel that he's just not there yet. I just hope this current relationship -- which I really want to work out -- isn't my karma train coming to visit me for all the bad things I've done in the past.

I'm taking some much deserved time off this week. I was supposed to go to a west coast destination but that fell through. So I'm taking the week to get my stuff together and or cleaned out. I want to get some photos shot because next week, I'll be returning to the lab and I can't wait.

So Cal is where my minds at...

A friend of a friend is on facebook at this moment documenting his last hours of living in So Cal before moving back. He's moving back due to a failed relationship. Proving yet again, we all come home at one time. I got along with the guy because I'm forced to on many levels, but as I read his last status updates, I can and know how he feels. After all...I was destined to be in So Cal myself.

When I picked up the drummer that fateful Christmas Eve, I knew my life would change forever. Oh, it did alright.

From that night on we made and had plans, I would get divorced and bam, I'd make the move back to So Cal with him.

I had all these visions. I would work, he'd be the aspiring film student by day, drummer at night. I pictured us living in a small house, renting of course, with the three dogs and cat. I dreamed of eating lean because money would be tight and I'd get a part time job at the Gap to make ends meet. I pictured us escaping the valley to get some air at the beach. I'd be on my own, no one would know me and I would have been with him.

I thought about how the holidays would be, coming home to a cold midwest, if I'd truly miss the snow. I pictured me making the phone calls back home asking how the snowstorm and figuring in the time difference. We'd take the dogs to the beach, watch sunsets, crack a bottle of wine and talk about our dreams til they came true.

I'd take classes at Santa Monica College for photography. I'd get my MFA. I'd wear the I'm sleeping with the drummer shirt to a show.

We talked about our wedding. I'd wear a simple white dress, he'd wear the get up that would get me all the time. Jeans and that white shirt. We'd get married in a small ceremony in Malibu or up at County Line beach. It would be a sunset, we'd be barefoot and there would only be about 20 people there.

We'd move back to the midwest, live in the city, we had the names picked out for our kids.

I knew it would have been a life different than what I was used to but it would be so worth it and we would have worked for it. After all, he really was the guy I had a real connection with.

What I didn't anticipate was the lying, cheating, stealing and harassment that came with it. It would and did destroy the "dynasty" we had built up in our minds.

Its been hard not to contact drummer boy. I never know what is fact or fiction out of him. It hurts, its sad and down right unfair. Deep down, I know he had potential. But I can't make him the man I still want him to be. And I can't spend a lifetime playing a guessing game.

What I can't figure out is...

I don't miss my husband. A guy that I knew for nearly 13 years...but I miss drummer boy...who was only in my life for 30 months.

Was it because drummer boy knew how to treat a lady. When we went out, he held my hand, opened doors, he was my protector. It was us in our own world, with everything else surrounding us...

I do thank him for opening my eyes and teaching me there was a way out of my marriage. That there could be a better life. That I deserved to be treated better. That I needed a man.

However, I keep the emails and threatening text messages to remind me of the beast he could be and that the bad time far out weighed the good. But when the good times were on, they were on. I get sentimental when I go to the city and get even more reminiscent when I think of LA.

If it would have worked out...what a love story that could have been.

Slap in the face....

This past Monday was D-day at the lawyers office. For a whole week I racked my brain on what the ex could possibly nail me on now and what could have added up to this $8100 that I owed him. At 3pm, it became crystal clear. My lawyer threw down a folder that was about five inches thick. It was all his credit card statements. The earliest date I saw was 2002 or 03. The evidence of sheer anger was before me.

The items that he was charging me back was everything ranging from clothes at old navy, flowers he bought me and even a charge for the porn store was on there. How he knew that a purchase in 2004 from Old Navy was clothes for me was beyond me. He could never prove it. I was in tears.

I don't feel I owe him anything. He's got everything. I told my lawyer ( who scolded me for not getting my statements, which I know I gave him some) that I left with some furniture that wasn't marital property, my dogs, and my clothes. He's got everything and he wants more.

I left there faced with this option. My lawyer fired a letter and a phone call back to his lawyer saying the above. His lawyer says my ex is hurt that I left him for someone else. Really, he's not so hurt if he's taking trips and lets think about where this really started...his brother moving in a year after we were married and never leaving.

It basically boils down to this. I'm going to wait to see what the response is from his lawyer, in the meantime that gives me a chance to get my credit card statements from a few cards. Then based on their response my next and final action will just to buy the fucker out and get rid of him. I'm not about to pay my lawyer $5000 trial retainer for him to get me back $3000. I need to move on.

Speaking of the credit cards, that fucker hates me so much that when I called the back to get my statements going back to 2000, they wanted to charge me $5 a statement. Do the math. $5 x 12 = $60 per year x 8. That sob paid $480 to see me suffer. Wow. He hates me.

It doesn't matter. I did look thru the statements I had and judging by what I have here. I'm already up to $2000 in charges back to him. Coming up with another $6000 to make it even shouldn't be that hard.

Besides, the longer this goes on...the more I don't think he'll show up in court. He's a coward and he does just fine hiding behind lawyers and letters. He can stay there. They won't protect him when this is done.

For the first time in a few months, I feel confident that this will be ending soon. The Manolos are here. My hair is colored. I'm working out 4-5 a week. I just need to get my spending under control. And figure out the BF.

Can't lie, I'm nervous...

the waiting game is starting to wear on me. Last week, my mind was wandering all over the place. An old friend of mine posted pics up on facebook that brought back memories. The good thing is, I don't look like that anymore but the flip side is...things in that picture triggered memories.

One of them was from the redneck superbowl. When we used to go. The truck was in the pic. Honestly, it was my favorite truck. Luckily, I was only working a half day that day but I had strong urges to phone the ex to see if he wanted me back. I dunno why, he never fought for me. He let me go and never looked back. I have to keep remembering that. Besides, that relationship was too far damaged to ever repair. Can you say trainwreck?

The longer this divorce goes on, the worse it gets.

I spent the half day with amazing boyfriend. We just drove around in his territory and learned some history. The best thing about amazing boyfriend, he's opening my eyes. Stuff I didn't give two shits about in a past lifetime. I'm living and learning now. I guess...it makes a difference when you love someone.

Then on Thursday while en route to my job, my mind wandered again and I almost went back to the old house. I know why this happened. Because on Friday, it was the one year anniversary of the move. That means, one year since I walked thru that door. I haven't seen my house in one year. I can't believe its been a year. I told my mom, that if this goes on and this divorce goes to trial....I would be dating amazing boyfriend one year before I get divorced.

One year.

Speaking of amazing boyfriend. We had a good weekend. At least in my book. I can tell he's coming around. He played guitar for me on Friday, I spent the night Saturday and today we wandered around a flea market in enemy terriorty. I was on guard and secretly praying, I'd see either one of them. However, this morning while in bed. I bought the Manolos. Next is the Tiffany ring.

I'm also keeping on track with my workouts. I must say, I'm looking good.

Tomorrow is my appointment with the lawyer. I have a list and I'm checking it twice. The hard part is just getting thru the day.

I flipped my calendar last week...

which means two things. One, the year is half over and two, we're fast approaching the one year anniversary of the midday move. Which, is this coming Friday. Ugh, and my birthday is fast approaching. Which also means, I'm not divorced yet. But, alas, things might be moving. But I'll still be celebrating another birthday married to that ass.

I've gotten so afraid of calling my lawyer because I'm just so sick of getting bad news. Hence, Wednesday night. After a night out with the girls, scoring a good goodie bag then going over to the bf's house to cuddle and have ice cream, I made the long journey home to find my mother waiting up. I figured she wanted to see what we got for the goodie bag. But it was the letter from my lawyer that I think intrigued her.

I should learn, rule of thumb. Don't open letters from your lawyer at midnight.

Obviously someone doesn't want to go to trial but still wants to yank my chain. He wants $8100 from me in marital expenses. I went to bed. But not without leaving my lawyer a voice mail at 1 am saying that is horse shit.

What in the hell does he think I racked up in marital expenses that totals 8100 when I had my own credit cards? The next morning, I had my mother on my back telling me I didn't owe him a thing but if I had to pay him to get him off my back I would but I'm not shelling out 8100 when he's already got the f'ing house and everything in it. I left the house in tears and fired off an email to my lawyer explaining my position.

Later that afternoon, he emailed me saying he got the proof from the other laywer and he'll review it this week and I am to call next week for an appointment. I can't wait to see what he thinks I owe him.

In other news, I bought my divorce presents. Which came back as a bad dose of karma. I ordered shoes and a clutch that I couldn't pass up, the box came on Thursday. Its staring at me. I had the items gift wrapped. So I would have something to open up on divorce day. For once, I actually felt guilty about spending that money because I've been working so hard on paying off my credit cards. I still have two divorce presents to buy. I'll wait til next month to get them. And I'll be adding another dose of heaping guilt to that one as well.

I signed up for all these 5K's as a payback to the jerk for pissing me off. I did my first one and have two more this week. Then, I found kickboxing classes that I think I'm going to sign up for. For every achievement, I'll buy myself a present. Happy upcoming birthday to me.

I paid for my class at school this week. It will be good to get back into the darkroom. That is where I feel the most comfortable.

With the bf going to see family, that left me a friday night open. I was going to go undercover and sit home to get some stuff done but -- that couldn't happen. I ended up going over to an old friends house to have drinks and cheese...when I got there, I couldn't turn around. Frienemy in the house.

The girl that was there is still a close friend of the girl who blew my 'affair' wide open to the ex. I played it cool, not saying much while my friend pulled me into the house and apologized.
What I said wasn't lies, it was truth and we'll see what gets back to the ex.

I basically said I was awarded a photography grant, they know I'll be in NYC for photography and they know I shoot in the city. All which is true. I also mentioned that I have a FOID card now.

I know I shouldn't hide from these people but sometimes its just easier not to deal with them.

I can't wait to make the appointment with the lawyer on monday....

Almost a year....

unreal. We're into July and instead of planning a divorce party, I'm planning the midday move party for the end of the month. So be it, this is what makes me stronger isn't it?
Its hard to believe the events that unfolded to my moving out last year. As it approaches the 4th of July, I keep thinking about where I was a year ago and how it happened so fast. I remember doing this doing that and bam, leaving never to look back. This also means, I haven't set foot in my house in a whole year.

Even though, I've said I've given up wondering why he continues to drag this out and what my house looks like now and how my "plan" of moving somewhere else has all fallen thru, I can't help but do wonder....I feel stupid now for buying everything, the table, mirror, book cases..etc...I thought for sure I'd be in my own place by now. Have I jinxed myself?!

I have tho, given the circumstances, started to pay my shit off. I find myself not buying everything in sight. I actually went shopping with my mom and grandma last weekend and came home empty handed. Only to buy a pair of shoes Monday morning online. I've sucked things up and worked my 2nd job even when I was dead ass tired. Even considering picking up extra hours.

I've even kept up with my workouts. I've given my bod a rest the last two days and the real test is the first 5K, I'm run/walking next Thursday. I have to run my real one on the 18th..I'll think of the douche bag while I am. I just have to remember, I need to look hot when I go to court.

I've also been avoiding my fellow friend. I don't want to hear about the godfather and/or my divorce. We were supposed to go out this afternoon and go shopping. I don't have the energy nor the money. Well I have the money, I just have become jewish.

Almost a year....

Once again, my ex or soon to be ex has failed to produce the documentation that the judge asked for...therefore, I have a December trial date. How is that fair? I asked if he could be held in contempt. He can't. I can see clearly now, why people lose faith in the judicial system.

That being said, I busted out the fan tonight, washed and put away my winter blankets. Looks like I'll be here a few more months. In a sense, that is ok. Now I can seriously buckle down and pay off my credit cards. I even gave up a trip to the mall tonight. That way, when I'm finally free...I should be ok money wise. If anything my ex is doing me a favor, he's buying me time to get ahead and to see if Harley boy is the one.

The only time I looked back.....

was to make sure everything was burning. The holiday weekend and my sales on ebay forced me to clean some things out. While doing so, I found old anniversary cards and oh, a few wedding photos. I looked at them then while dad had a nice hot fire going...I walked out and tossed them on the burn pile. All gone. The only guilt I felt, was the fact that I burned a picture with me and my family in it but I just wanted to see how it felt to actually burn one. I don't feel different. Just happy I cleaned more things out. Less things to move. I say.

I know I can't erase 13 years, but I can sure as hell try.

Boys wonder and genius haven't paid the mortgage for the month of May, so that prompted a phone call to my lawyer..cha ching. Here we go.

Also, while not having gone by my house in a few months...the other night I made three trips past. One I was forced to go that way to work, trips two and three were the result of a friend taking me on a motorcycle ride. It did feel good to get out and ride.

I feel like I'm back on the band wagon as far as paying bills off and working out. This week, I paid over $1000 off and worked out over my goal of 150 cardio min a week. I feel good. Motivation. I just want to look damn good when I walk in that court room.

Been too quiet for too long....

I'm trying to condense my email addys and in doing so I came across a stunning email that arrived in my box on Friday. It was thanking genius for staying and accumulating 900 points at a hotel chain using my rewards number. When I went to click on the account to see where captain happy was...he must have realized his mistake and corrected the email addy. Wonderful.

Pissed yes, I hadn't stayed at this hotel chain for years therefore any points I had are gone. But he still used my number and made it his own. UGH. It just kills me to know how many trips I cut short because he didn't want to do anything and now he's out running around the world. And I don't even care with who. I want this done, I don't want anymore ties to this prick. This is my plea for help.

I still wonder how he's paying for this.......

Well either way, he knows I'm on to him because when I tried to get into the account, it sent an email back to his to reset the password.

I'm so bad

Its been awhile...and I'm sorry about that. Can't say that I've been bored. So let me catch you up. The new year brought many new things one being a boyfriend. Yes, a real boyfriend.
The day after Christmas, I opened my email to find that jackass hadn't switched over his email addys and I was the lucky recipient of his travel plans for March. Seems as if he was going to San Fran. That prompted me to place an Craigslist ad that simply stated Santa Screwed Me. I got four responses...and out of that one...I got a boyfriend.

With that, I kicked the godfather to the curb and focused on a real relationship that contained trust and honesty.

I jumped back into photography and earned respect among the fellow darkroom geeks and my teacher. Between that my 2nd job and building a what I hope is a lasting relationship. I've been busy.

Still not divorced but heard that he's dating. Can't say that it didn't sting. It did. It pisses me off that there is another woman in my house. If we were divorced, fine, but I just want it over. Then he can do whatever the hell he wants and I won't care...but still knowing that you're legally married to the prick and still have his last name...I feel sick. And if its the girl I think it is...well he's already on the path to destruction...because his brother dated her first. Ew, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

We've been to court once a month, been before the judge in a pre trial conference hearing...its always something. Somedays, I'm extremely depressed. I start to see bills from my lawyer, I get sicker.

I went to my yearly conference this last week and actually didn't drink. Seriously, I was so looking forward to top shelf vodka but I knew...if I had one too many, I'd be making phone calls. Part of me wants to talk to the ex....the other part wants to purge him from my memory.

I haven't followed thru on any of my new years resolutions. Which, I MUST buckle down now and get going. I just have ADD when it comes to getting stuff done. And with that...I must go...I'll catch up more later...