Can't lie, I'm nervous...

the waiting game is starting to wear on me. Last week, my mind was wandering all over the place. An old friend of mine posted pics up on facebook that brought back memories. The good thing is, I don't look like that anymore but the flip side is...things in that picture triggered memories.

One of them was from the redneck superbowl. When we used to go. The truck was in the pic. Honestly, it was my favorite truck. Luckily, I was only working a half day that day but I had strong urges to phone the ex to see if he wanted me back. I dunno why, he never fought for me. He let me go and never looked back. I have to keep remembering that. Besides, that relationship was too far damaged to ever repair. Can you say trainwreck?

The longer this divorce goes on, the worse it gets.

I spent the half day with amazing boyfriend. We just drove around in his territory and learned some history. The best thing about amazing boyfriend, he's opening my eyes. Stuff I didn't give two shits about in a past lifetime. I'm living and learning now. I guess...it makes a difference when you love someone.

Then on Thursday while en route to my job, my mind wandered again and I almost went back to the old house. I know why this happened. Because on Friday, it was the one year anniversary of the move. That means, one year since I walked thru that door. I haven't seen my house in one year. I can't believe its been a year. I told my mom, that if this goes on and this divorce goes to trial....I would be dating amazing boyfriend one year before I get divorced.

One year.

Speaking of amazing boyfriend. We had a good weekend. At least in my book. I can tell he's coming around. He played guitar for me on Friday, I spent the night Saturday and today we wandered around a flea market in enemy terriorty. I was on guard and secretly praying, I'd see either one of them. However, this morning while in bed. I bought the Manolos. Next is the Tiffany ring.

I'm also keeping on track with my workouts. I must say, I'm looking good.

Tomorrow is my appointment with the lawyer. I have a list and I'm checking it twice. The hard part is just getting thru the day.

I flipped my calendar last week...

which means two things. One, the year is half over and two, we're fast approaching the one year anniversary of the midday move. Which, is this coming Friday. Ugh, and my birthday is fast approaching. Which also means, I'm not divorced yet. But, alas, things might be moving. But I'll still be celebrating another birthday married to that ass.

I've gotten so afraid of calling my lawyer because I'm just so sick of getting bad news. Hence, Wednesday night. After a night out with the girls, scoring a good goodie bag then going over to the bf's house to cuddle and have ice cream, I made the long journey home to find my mother waiting up. I figured she wanted to see what we got for the goodie bag. But it was the letter from my lawyer that I think intrigued her.

I should learn, rule of thumb. Don't open letters from your lawyer at midnight.

Obviously someone doesn't want to go to trial but still wants to yank my chain. He wants $8100 from me in marital expenses. I went to bed. But not without leaving my lawyer a voice mail at 1 am saying that is horse shit.

What in the hell does he think I racked up in marital expenses that totals 8100 when I had my own credit cards? The next morning, I had my mother on my back telling me I didn't owe him a thing but if I had to pay him to get him off my back I would but I'm not shelling out 8100 when he's already got the f'ing house and everything in it. I left the house in tears and fired off an email to my lawyer explaining my position.

Later that afternoon, he emailed me saying he got the proof from the other laywer and he'll review it this week and I am to call next week for an appointment. I can't wait to see what he thinks I owe him.

In other news, I bought my divorce presents. Which came back as a bad dose of karma. I ordered shoes and a clutch that I couldn't pass up, the box came on Thursday. Its staring at me. I had the items gift wrapped. So I would have something to open up on divorce day. For once, I actually felt guilty about spending that money because I've been working so hard on paying off my credit cards. I still have two divorce presents to buy. I'll wait til next month to get them. And I'll be adding another dose of heaping guilt to that one as well.

I signed up for all these 5K's as a payback to the jerk for pissing me off. I did my first one and have two more this week. Then, I found kickboxing classes that I think I'm going to sign up for. For every achievement, I'll buy myself a present. Happy upcoming birthday to me.

I paid for my class at school this week. It will be good to get back into the darkroom. That is where I feel the most comfortable.

With the bf going to see family, that left me a friday night open. I was going to go undercover and sit home to get some stuff done but -- that couldn't happen. I ended up going over to an old friends house to have drinks and cheese...when I got there, I couldn't turn around. Frienemy in the house.

The girl that was there is still a close friend of the girl who blew my 'affair' wide open to the ex. I played it cool, not saying much while my friend pulled me into the house and apologized.
What I said wasn't lies, it was truth and we'll see what gets back to the ex.

I basically said I was awarded a photography grant, they know I'll be in NYC for photography and they know I shoot in the city. All which is true. I also mentioned that I have a FOID card now.

I know I shouldn't hide from these people but sometimes its just easier not to deal with them.

I can't wait to make the appointment with the lawyer on monday....

Almost a year....

unreal. We're into July and instead of planning a divorce party, I'm planning the midday move party for the end of the month. So be it, this is what makes me stronger isn't it?
Its hard to believe the events that unfolded to my moving out last year. As it approaches the 4th of July, I keep thinking about where I was a year ago and how it happened so fast. I remember doing this doing that and bam, leaving never to look back. This also means, I haven't set foot in my house in a whole year.

Even though, I've said I've given up wondering why he continues to drag this out and what my house looks like now and how my "plan" of moving somewhere else has all fallen thru, I can't help but do wonder....I feel stupid now for buying everything, the table, mirror, book cases..etc...I thought for sure I'd be in my own place by now. Have I jinxed myself?!

I have tho, given the circumstances, started to pay my shit off. I find myself not buying everything in sight. I actually went shopping with my mom and grandma last weekend and came home empty handed. Only to buy a pair of shoes Monday morning online. I've sucked things up and worked my 2nd job even when I was dead ass tired. Even considering picking up extra hours.

I've even kept up with my workouts. I've given my bod a rest the last two days and the real test is the first 5K, I'm run/walking next Thursday. I have to run my real one on the 18th..I'll think of the douche bag while I am. I just have to remember, I need to look hot when I go to court.

I've also been avoiding my fellow friend. I don't want to hear about the godfather and/or my divorce. We were supposed to go out this afternoon and go shopping. I don't have the energy nor the money. Well I have the money, I just have become jewish.