Of all the times I flipped him off...

....this time I waved and he waved back. Sign of the times or what. This afternoon I had a close encounter with the ex brother in law -- who happens to be dating one of my ex friends. They were in a part of the county that everyone I was with was surprised. For once, I hope the big payoff worked. I had my godson's car seat in my car and I made damn sure I opened the door so they could see in. They both got out of the truck, she didn't do anything but look over at us. My ex brother in law looked back one more time. I waved, he waved back.

If anything he can go back to the ex and say that he saw me alone. For once, I wish the bf would have been with me. But if they say that they saw me alone. Let them think that too. We were just shocked they were in a part of the county they really didn't belong in.

On the flip side, it was sad. I realize I can't go on hiding forever out of fear that I will see him with someone or the confrontation. I don't need it, I don't want it. However, I do miss my house. And I miss hanging out with everyone, even if they didn't have my back in the end. We had good times. I just want to suppress it all.

Just proves, I still need to stay on my quest to being hot.

I'm sick of looking at credit card statements. I'm waiting on one more set from my bank and we should be good to go. Hopefully, it will be the ammo he needs to say, we're done. Just let me go.
I figured today that I will be dating harley boy for almost a year before I'm done. Look, its almost September -- there are no signs of this letting up anytime soon, unless I give in and pay. Which I won't. I wonder tho...does he think of me? I'm sure he does, in an evil way.

Either way, I spent my saturday night making jewelry, cleaning out a goody bag from an event on Wednesday night, doing laundry and catching up on here.

The days are slipping off my calendar...

I knew when I flipped my calendar over last month, it was a bad sign. The days are getting shorter, I didn't get nearly the amount of things I wanted to do this summer and oh yeah, STILL NOT DIVORCED. Its even a worse sign when two of your friends divorces are done before you and they started after you.

On Sunday night and I took advantage of the roomies being gone so I could print off credit card statements and get some stuff done on my own. The last two weekends have been sheer busy. The bf and I took off last Friday and did a foodie road trip that lasted 2.5 days, 1396 miles thru five states. We had good conversation and I learned more about his ex. The more I learn, the more I can distance myself from her. The more I'm with him, the more I truly adore him.

I heard from my lawyer today and he wants me to get more statements. So I skipped the gym today, came straight home and was on the phone for 90 mins digging up my past. I'm confident I'll get him in the end.

I'm also pretty sure he's got a new car. Only because one, I saw what was a dead ringer of his old car on the used car lot and two all of a sudden my auto insurance went up. When I looked at my renewal policy for my auto insurance, I saw the house was off. Add it all up, just when he thinks he can sneak something in, I'll eventually catch it. Already reported to my lawyer.

I started to clean up and out some of my stuff in boxes tonight and in the garbage went old photos of Christmas past. I hate throwing out pics with my family in them. So some of them will have to stay.

I know its hard erasing the past. I'm getting that. I'm understanding that with the current bf. The difference between him and I was, I was screaming to get out and he was hit head on with his. So the things I want to tell him, I'm holding off because I know and I can feel that he's just not there yet. I just hope this current relationship -- which I really want to work out -- isn't my karma train coming to visit me for all the bad things I've done in the past.

I'm taking some much deserved time off this week. I was supposed to go to a west coast destination but that fell through. So I'm taking the week to get my stuff together and or cleaned out. I want to get some photos shot because next week, I'll be returning to the lab and I can't wait.

So Cal is where my minds at...

A friend of a friend is on facebook at this moment documenting his last hours of living in So Cal before moving back. He's moving back due to a failed relationship. Proving yet again, we all come home at one time. I got along with the guy because I'm forced to on many levels, but as I read his last status updates, I can and know how he feels. After all...I was destined to be in So Cal myself.

When I picked up the drummer that fateful Christmas Eve, I knew my life would change forever. Oh, it did alright.

From that night on we made and had plans, I would get divorced and bam, I'd make the move back to So Cal with him.

I had all these visions. I would work, he'd be the aspiring film student by day, drummer at night. I pictured us living in a small house, renting of course, with the three dogs and cat. I dreamed of eating lean because money would be tight and I'd get a part time job at the Gap to make ends meet. I pictured us escaping the valley to get some air at the beach. I'd be on my own, no one would know me and I would have been with him.

I thought about how the holidays would be, coming home to a cold midwest, if I'd truly miss the snow. I pictured me making the phone calls back home asking how the snowstorm and figuring in the time difference. We'd take the dogs to the beach, watch sunsets, crack a bottle of wine and talk about our dreams til they came true.

I'd take classes at Santa Monica College for photography. I'd get my MFA. I'd wear the I'm sleeping with the drummer shirt to a show.

We talked about our wedding. I'd wear a simple white dress, he'd wear the get up that would get me all the time. Jeans and that white shirt. We'd get married in a small ceremony in Malibu or up at County Line beach. It would be a sunset, we'd be barefoot and there would only be about 20 people there.

We'd move back to the midwest, live in the city, we had the names picked out for our kids.

I knew it would have been a life different than what I was used to but it would be so worth it and we would have worked for it. After all, he really was the guy I had a real connection with.

What I didn't anticipate was the lying, cheating, stealing and harassment that came with it. It would and did destroy the "dynasty" we had built up in our minds.

Its been hard not to contact drummer boy. I never know what is fact or fiction out of him. It hurts, its sad and down right unfair. Deep down, I know he had potential. But I can't make him the man I still want him to be. And I can't spend a lifetime playing a guessing game.

What I can't figure out is...

I don't miss my husband. A guy that I knew for nearly 13 years...but I miss drummer boy...who was only in my life for 30 months.

Was it because drummer boy knew how to treat a lady. When we went out, he held my hand, opened doors, he was my protector. It was us in our own world, with everything else surrounding us...

I do thank him for opening my eyes and teaching me there was a way out of my marriage. That there could be a better life. That I deserved to be treated better. That I needed a man.

However, I keep the emails and threatening text messages to remind me of the beast he could be and that the bad time far out weighed the good. But when the good times were on, they were on. I get sentimental when I go to the city and get even more reminiscent when I think of LA.

If it would have worked out...what a love story that could have been.

Slap in the face....

This past Monday was D-day at the lawyers office. For a whole week I racked my brain on what the ex could possibly nail me on now and what could have added up to this $8100 that I owed him. At 3pm, it became crystal clear. My lawyer threw down a folder that was about five inches thick. It was all his credit card statements. The earliest date I saw was 2002 or 03. The evidence of sheer anger was before me.

The items that he was charging me back was everything ranging from clothes at old navy, flowers he bought me and even a charge for the porn store was on there. How he knew that a purchase in 2004 from Old Navy was clothes for me was beyond me. He could never prove it. I was in tears.

I don't feel I owe him anything. He's got everything. I told my lawyer ( who scolded me for not getting my statements, which I know I gave him some) that I left with some furniture that wasn't marital property, my dogs, and my clothes. He's got everything and he wants more.

I left there faced with this option. My lawyer fired a letter and a phone call back to his lawyer saying the above. His lawyer says my ex is hurt that I left him for someone else. Really, he's not so hurt if he's taking trips and lets think about where this really started...his brother moving in a year after we were married and never leaving.

It basically boils down to this. I'm going to wait to see what the response is from his lawyer, in the meantime that gives me a chance to get my credit card statements from a few cards. Then based on their response my next and final action will just to buy the fucker out and get rid of him. I'm not about to pay my lawyer $5000 trial retainer for him to get me back $3000. I need to move on.

Speaking of the credit cards, that fucker hates me so much that when I called the back to get my statements going back to 2000, they wanted to charge me $5 a statement. Do the math. $5 x 12 = $60 per year x 8. That sob paid $480 to see me suffer. Wow. He hates me.

It doesn't matter. I did look thru the statements I had and judging by what I have here. I'm already up to $2000 in charges back to him. Coming up with another $6000 to make it even shouldn't be that hard.

Besides, the longer this goes on...the more I don't think he'll show up in court. He's a coward and he does just fine hiding behind lawyers and letters. He can stay there. They won't protect him when this is done.

For the first time in a few months, I feel confident that this will be ending soon. The Manolos are here. My hair is colored. I'm working out 4-5 a week. I just need to get my spending under control. And figure out the BF.