A friend of a friend is on facebook at this moment documenting his last hours of living in So Cal before moving back. He's moving back due to a failed relationship. Proving yet again, we all come home at one time. I got along with the guy because I'm forced to on many levels, but as I read his last status updates, I can and know how he feels. After all...I was destined to be in So Cal myself.
When I picked up the drummer that fateful Christmas Eve, I knew my life would change forever. Oh, it did alright.
From that night on we made and had plans, I would get divorced and bam, I'd make the move back to So Cal with him.
I had all these visions. I would work, he'd be the aspiring film student by day, drummer at night. I pictured us living in a small house, renting of course, with the three dogs and cat. I dreamed of eating lean because money would be tight and I'd get a part time job at the Gap to make ends meet. I pictured us escaping the valley to get some air at the beach. I'd be on my own, no one would know me and I would have been with him.
I thought about how the holidays would be, coming home to a cold midwest, if I'd truly miss the snow. I pictured me making the phone calls back home asking how the snowstorm and figuring in the time difference. We'd take the dogs to the beach, watch sunsets, crack a bottle of wine and talk about our dreams til they came true.
I'd take classes at Santa Monica College for photography. I'd get my MFA. I'd wear the I'm sleeping with the drummer shirt to a show.
We talked about our wedding. I'd wear a simple white dress, he'd wear the get up that would get me all the time. Jeans and that white shirt. We'd get married in a small ceremony in Malibu or up at County Line beach. It would be a sunset, we'd be barefoot and there would only be about 20 people there.
We'd move back to the midwest, live in the city, we had the names picked out for our kids.
I knew it would have been a life different than what I was used to but it would be so worth it and we would have worked for it. After all, he really was the guy I had a real connection with.
What I didn't anticipate was the lying, cheating, stealing and harassment that came with it. It would and did destroy the "dynasty" we had built up in our minds.
Its been hard not to contact drummer boy. I never know what is fact or fiction out of him. It hurts, its sad and down right unfair. Deep down, I know he had potential. But I can't make him the man I still want him to be. And I can't spend a lifetime playing a guessing game.
What I can't figure out is...
I don't miss my husband. A guy that I knew for nearly 13 years...but I miss drummer boy...who was only in my life for 30 months.
Was it because drummer boy knew how to treat a lady. When we went out, he held my hand, opened doors, he was my protector. It was us in our own world, with everything else surrounding us...
I do thank him for opening my eyes and teaching me there was a way out of my marriage. That there could be a better life. That I deserved to be treated better. That I needed a man.
However, I keep the emails and threatening text messages to remind me of the beast he could be and that the bad time far out weighed the good. But when the good times were on, they were on. I get sentimental when I go to the city and get even more reminiscent when I think of LA.
If it would have worked out...what a love story that could have been.
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